Happily Engaged...

It is so good to be here in this moment. Hearing the rain hitting the roof and my tummy full of chocolate cake. I have been away too long, for reasons I'm not sure of. But here I am now, with my blog. My blog is a good friend of mine, and so if I haven't visited it in awhile, writing a post is like getting together for coffee with a best friend. Its just what the doctor ordered.

So many things have happened over the past couple of weeks. I turned 21 on the fifth (hooray!), and decided that I didn't want to drink alcohol. I figured that I have lived my life happily without it, and have had lots of fun without it, so why start now? I think most people drink just because they can, and they are trying to fill a void. And in too many cases drinking becomes a problem, especially for those who don't expect it to. So..I decided to not go down that road.

I became an aunt as well, which I am still digesting. So crazy!! My brother and his wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Aidan Micah Armstrong, at about 12:30 on Tuesday, August 12th. I love that child already. I am determined to be the best aunt that ever walked the planet. Once my brother and sister in law get settled in San Antonio, I am going to be down there every chance I can get ( ya know, without driving them crazy or invading their personal space...) ha!

Something special happened the other day. Well, let me share the background story first. A girl I know from back in the day youth group in church recently became engaged. And this brought upon thoughts of engagement and what that means. Its a promise to love. An agreement that you and your special someone are on the same page, want the same things, want to be with each other. And as I was flipping through this girl's pictures on facebook, I was so happy for her because she really lived her faith and waited for the right person, and now she is so apparently happy. I applaud that, big time.

As much as I know that engagement is not a factor in my life right now (because engagement requires a relationship, and well...we know where I stand with that), I still envied that sense of purpose that comes with engagement. I mean, think about what that word means. Its like "I am engaged to someone, I engaged with someone, I am engaged in someone." Its a promise to live life purposely. If you are engaged to someone, you have intention. And at that moment, looking at those pictures, I realized how badly I want to live life with purpose and intention. Life is too short to do otherwise. So I knew in my heart that I was engaged to the Lord, and that I have made a commitment to do so. But the very next day, my mom gives me a mac daddy bling of a ring, that is practically an engagement ring. She bought it for me because she has one very similar that she wears as her wedding ring, and I guess she caught on that I liked it. If she would take it off and set it on the counter for some reason I would snatch it up and try it on my finger (where a wedding ring would be) and gaze longingly at that ring. I would jokingly (or maybe sort of seriously) tell her that I want the wedding ring without the wedding part.

So my mom, the wonderful person she is, bought me this ring. I squeal (yes I sure did, just like a pig about to get fed) with delight, and slid that bad boy onto my wedding ring finger (surely that is not what they call it...but I don't know these things). I make a comment about it looking like an engagement ring, and how everyone at school will ask me if I'm married. My mom replies with, "You are. You are married to the Lord." How right she is....and I could not be happier. God makes a pretty awesome husband. The fact He heard my heart that night about engagement and then showed me such a love gesture in that ring through my mom...its fantastic. How can any guy even compare?

Not liking living in Funkytown....

I have been feeling really blah recently. I have been really hard on myself and picking myself apart. Not acting like myself at all. I feel like I need to spend some serious time with God and get myself back on track. I know that whenever my head feels a little "fuzzy" and everything seems a little muddled in my mind, time in God's word always makes things clearer. I can't afford to let this funk clear out on its own. I have to take control and make it go away. If I focus on God's goodness then I can get out of this moody mess. I just need God's help, the enemy is coming down on me really hard and I need to put an end to it. I want to live in God's goodness and joy. Not give into the anxiety, doubt, apathy, pressure and fears that seem to be coming at me at a million directions. I refuse to give into those feelings. I cannot go back to depression.I know the enemy is trying to pull me back so hard to that place. I see the signs and symptoms everywhere. I need God's rescuing. I need Him to help me from going back to that place. I want to live in God's freedom.

Not Going Back...

I know I am being messed with. I know when all these little things happen, that they are meant to serve as a distraction. So I am trying my hardest not to get wrapped up in them. But its hard. Last night I had a dream about him, that stupid boy. If I could scream at the top of my lungs right now I would, but my sister is sleeping. So internally, I am throwing a fit. Why can't I just be free??? Its like a cruel joke, since I don't think about him during the day, he's going to creep into my dreams.

I don't understand why I am dreaming of him in the first place. I used to think I loved him (excuse me while I swallow my vomit) now I am at a place where I have accepted that I made a fool of myself, but I am not beating myself up about it. I was foolishly mistaken and it was an issue so much bigger than about the guy. I made a mistake, and I have made strides in moving on. But these dreams about him are like claws trying to desperately drag me back to that place I was in. I was held captive by my emotions, and my emotions cannot be trusted. My emotions led me to a very dark and sad place. It was a prison made out of my "feelings".

So I know thats where the enemy wants me. Held captive by my thoughts and emotions. And if he can't get me while I am awake, he's going to try his best to get me while I am asleep. That way I can wake up and have the awful, manipulative dream on the forefront of my mind.

I went for a good three weeks without any dreams like this. And now one hits me last night. Its a clear attack by the enemy. But hes not going to drag me back. I will not be moved. I am calling on Jesus to be my rock and keep me steadfast. Because this whole thing has nothing to do with the guy himself, it has more to do with me. The enemy just used the guy to drag me down faster, but only because I let him. He's not going to get me, no matter how hard he tries. God is bigger and God wants me free.

I am Needy and Happy to Be

I admitted something to myself the other day.

What I thought I wanted...I don't really want.

I am not ready to do many of the things that I thought I could muster myself ready for. The things I thought I wanted, I am simply not ready for them. For example, I have wanted to move out of my parents house for awhile now. I wanted to "feel" independent, put some space between me and my parents, and learn how to live outside of this life I have now. Learn how to live on my own. And I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to learn how to live on my own. Living on your own is highly overrated. I am not talking about mooching off my parents, what I mean is that I want to live my life with my family in the center of it. Its good to live with family, it teaches me to not have myself and my needs on the forefront of my mind. Living with my family means we operate as a family, and its a daily reminder to put myself last. Its give and take. And I never want to lose touch with that just because I want to live on my own. I think people have trouble in life because they put themselves first and they get comfortable living with only having to take care of themselves. I thinks thats a sad and dangerous place to be. I think its caused the divorce rate to be as high as it is. We have too many people in this world with their independence aka "selfishness" destroying their chances of having a selfless and happy marriage.

I have always felt weak for living with my parents. Or at least people have tried to make me feel that way. And I stupidly listened. Because living with my family has made me such a better person and it continues to reveal my flaws everyday. I am not left alone to become the person I could be if left to my own demise. This time with my family is precious, its like sand paper..its smoothing out my rough edges. I think I have put the wrong things up on a pedestal. I thought I was ready for "being on my own", but now its more than about being ready. I don't want to leave, because of the reasons I said before, but also because I still need my family. I want to be here, but I also need to be here. I am not weak for living with my family or wanting to be here.My parents have raised me to be strong and have taught me real independence, the kind that lives for other people and puts them first. The kind that can live and function with other people and your world isn't turned upside down if what you want doesn't happen. I have learned that the world's version of independence is actually deceiving, it fools you into thinking you don't need other people. As for me, I need my family. And I am happy to need them, thats not something I want to change in the name of "being able to make it by myself".

I'm over Myself..

I have this tendency to make everything about me. Sometimes I only look at how certain situations effect me and how I feel about it. I, I , I!!!
......and its exhausting.

I think I have been a lot better in this area, but a situation has arisen among my friends that has reminded me of my "me mentality" ways. And I didn't even realize I was doing...I guess it comes so naturally.

And my friends, as sweet as they are, love me through it.

I am never truly Lost....

There is a song by Coldplay titled "Lost", and this song, it speaks to me. The first time I heard it I think I broke into tears ( if you haven't figured it out by now, I am a crier). I am not sure what Coldplay was trying to say exactly with this song, but to me it means not letting your situations dictate you. You may be lost, but your not losing, you may be hurt, but your not hurting. Just because you are going through something, doesn't mean it needs to overcome you and consume you. We all go through our own stuff, everyday we are faced with some version of difficulty. But if all we do is focus on the hardship, then we are choosing our life to be a series of troubles and woes. Life is so much more. Life is not defined our day to day battles, but it certainly can be if we choose it to be. We just get lost sometimes, but with God He knows exactly where we are and where He's taking us, even if we don't have a clue.

That Week in Review Part II

Tuesday- I am having a hard time remembering tuesday. Its all a blur. Michelle took Nyquil the night before and slept the next day until 3 in the afternoon. I discovered that Michelle snores. I can't remember what we did that day...maybe thats the day we watched Lars and the Real Girl. We sat on the couch and Michelle gave me weird looks and made sassy comments. I think deep down she liked the movie...I mean, its got the guy from The Notebook in it! How could you not? Even though he played a socially troubled guy who loves a life size plastic doll in this movie, he will always be "I wrote you 365 letters...and its not over!"...*sigh*. So tuesday was a lazy day...

Wednesday- This was a great day. Michelle and I were able to experience some of my favorite things about Texas, and one thing I had yet to do since moving here. First we ate some lunch at the Salt Lick, my place of occupation. Michelle had an unusual (or maybe not so unusual for her) experience with The Ribs that matched the wierdness of our lunch conversation. We reached new depths in our friendship over those ribs. Next, We drove through Zilker park (which we both loved), its an amazing park in downtown Austin thats so beautiful. We drove around downtown, and on a whim we decided to get out and tour the Capitol Building. I am SO glad we did that. We both loved the building and yet again, Michelle made me do things I didn't want to do. We went down to the creepy basement (where they tuck the house members away) and I hid behind a column and scared the dickens out of michelle. Payback is sweet...so sweet. After we scoured the Capitol and took a boat load of pictures, we headed down to South Congress (or SoCo as us Austinites like to call it) a lovely, eclectic area right out of the downtown area. We stop for cupcakes at Hey Cupcake! and Michelle fell in love....with the cupcake. It was a lovely day.

Thursday- Oh what a day. We both loved and hated this day. It was her last day here and already I was starting to miss her. We headed down to the San Marcos River to tube, and what seemed like a good idea leaded to one crazy and traumatic day. I lost my car keys in the river, after sticking them under my hat (so smart) and then swinging on a tree swing into the river and my hat fell off and the keys disappear into the river. It wasn't until multiple jumps and then five minutes of tubing down the river that I realized I lost them. She was a good distance ahead of me on her tube, and once it dawned on me that I had lost them...the panic ensued. I am yeliing at her to get her attention and once I finally do, must use my best charade skills to let her know what I had done.....
That day Michelle and I's different personalities came through. I think I wouldn't have been so upset as I was if the situation had been different. It happened to be that my dad was conducting very serious business in San Antonio that day and my mom was stressed and running a million errands trying to get everything together to go to Corpus Christi the next morning for my sister-in-laws baby shower. I refused to call either one of them to stop what they are doing, drive home and grab the spare key, and then head down to San Marcos to get it to me. That wasn ot an option. So Michelle is standing on the banks of the river, watching me as I idiotically and frantically ask every single person at the river if they have goggles so I can try to find my keys at the bottom of a murky river and not to mention, a current. Michelle is trying to talk sense into my, trying to be realistic. But I refuse to listen, refuse to give up looking. And then I see a lady with fins and a goggle mask and I sprint over to her to see if I can borrow her mask and instead she volunteers to help me look. Five minutes later, to both the amazement of us both. she finds the keys. I wanted to kiss this lady on both cheeks and give her all my money.
So we try to recover from my stupidity and enjoy the river again, tubing down to the rapids. Where we stupidly go down rapids without our tubes, thinking it was gonna be like a slide at a waterpark (we are both morons)...and we almost drown and die. After that experience we both are reluctant to go near a river...
So we head to WonderWorld after the river, to see the dry-formed cave.Wonder World was not what we expected, the white trash factor was through the roof.But we wanted to go "spelunking", so we deal with the tackiness and the tour guides and enjoyed the cave anyways. Afterwards, we hit up the outlets, do a little birthday shopping, and then grabbed one last dinner at Chuys before going home, exhausted and sad that our visit together was almost over.

Friday- We wake up at 6 am to get Michelle to the airport. It felt a little awkward riding in the car back to the airport, when it felt like I had just picked her up. Its never enough time, but I am so grateful for the time we did have. Before getting out of the car, Michelle gives me a card with a CD in it, and insists I listen to it while driving home. As I pull away from the curb, I "pop in" (hahaha) the CD and cry my eyes out. I love that girl, and it was heartbreaking to let her go. But like I said, the time we had was so much fun and so special...this blog can't even contain it. Even as I write more memories come to mind. Little details I hope my brain will hold onto to forever, because its those things that make life so sweet. And life will continue to be sweet, because we are either coming out of a visit together, or going into one. The time in between is simply counting down the days until we see each other again.