Right now my mind is tired...and I am not sure why. Why am I so tired?? My bed is calling my name, but I wouldn't be ok going to sleep without visiting my dear blog. Those who know me well would agree with me when I say that when I am tired, my mind wanders....so tonight, instead of fighting the bunny trails, I happily give into them. And my blog is just the place to do that. So that being said....that was a bunny trail in of itself.
Honestly something thats been on my mind for the past couple of days is purity...and how growing up in the church I was taught how to stay physically pure, but in reality, physical purity only scratches the surface of what it means to be pure. Physical purity is a reflection of what is going on inside your heart and mind, and for some reason I allow myself to do things in my heart and in my mind that I would never think ok to do physically. I have given pieces of my heart away, gone further into a relationship mentally than I knew was right. And because it was not physically obvious, I thought somehow I was getting away with something.When God saw my heart the whole time, and knew that the "morals and standards" that I claimed to live by I was mentally cheating on.
I have worn a purity ring since I was 16 years old. I love that ring, its simple and means a lot to me. My mom took me to Sanibel Island for my birthday, just me and her, for a long weekend. She bought me the ring after I picked it out at a silver shop. It was inexpensive but it's special in my mind. I remember my state of mind at 16 years old. I had no idea what wearing that ring actually meant. You would think that at 16 I would have been boy crazy and itching to date. I am sure I went through my typical teenage girl phases (ha! Orlando Bloom as the Elf in Lord of the Rings comes to mind) but nothing seriously challenging. I talked the talk but I had no idea how to walk the walk. It wasn't until I met my first real challenge as an older.....what? girl....or a young woman, maybe. I don't know what you could call me but I had just turned 20 and got my first real job. And it didn't take me but two weeks until my "purity" was challenged. No, I didn't do anything physically I would regret, thank the Lord. But I gave my heart away, and my heart is supposed to belong to God. It wasn't mine to give away. And I was hurt and damaged on the inside, because my heart wasn't 110% given over to God. I didn't put my emotional and mental purity first on my priority list. Now I know myself well enough to know my emotions can't be trusted and its a conscience decision everyday...every moment of everyday...to not let my emotions lead my decisions or let my emotions carry away my heart and mind. I belong to God until He brings me to the right place, time and person and says its ok to give my heart away. I have come to the place where I am not interested in a relationship, because I want what God wants for me, so I am not interested in just any relationship, I want the RIGHT relationship.
So when I look at my purity ring, it means so much more than not making out...it means holding on tight to my heart.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Call Dr.Phil Somebody...
Why do I try to fix everything? I can't seem to help myself.I am constantly saying I am sorry and trying to fix things that I think I have made wrong. I tend to make situations a bigger deal than they actually are, and then I feel incredibly guilty. Maybe the problem is that I make everything about me....
I spend too much time thinking about what other people think of me, which isn't their problem, its mine. This can put strain on relationships, in fact it does most of the time. I am insecure with myself so I am constantly second guessing other people's intentions and actions. I make mountains out of molehills when it comes to things I have done, I tend to be too hard on myself. I tear myself apart and think other people are doing the same, but they probably aren't, but even if they are, I can't do anything about it.
But like I said, I try to fix everything..like I want to clear up anything and make things right when they weren't even wrong to begin with. I will find things to apologize for just to make sure that people don't have anything to be mad at me for. Because I wouldn't want people to be mad at me secretly and waiting for me to come to them and apologize! I am exhausting myself just writing this! Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I be happy and not read into people's behavior? For example, I haven't talked to one of my best friends in a couple of days, and when I talked to her the last few times, she seemed to be a little withdrawn. Immediately my insecurity kicks in, and my mind starts to think she is pulling away from me and doesn't want to talk. On the other hand, I know she is probably very busy with school and the semester wrapping up. But she is not acting like herself, that I know. and deep down, I am afraid...afraid of losing her friendship, and for some reason I think I have to hold on to her for dear life or I will lose her. And I always think its something that I did, that I pushed her away, or I do something that makes her not want to talk to me. What is my problem? Normally, I would apologize the next time I talk to her. But more than likely, she is busy and not even thinking anything like that....and this is a perfect example of everything I just wrote about myself. I am lucky to even have friends....
I spend too much time thinking about what other people think of me, which isn't their problem, its mine. This can put strain on relationships, in fact it does most of the time. I am insecure with myself so I am constantly second guessing other people's intentions and actions. I make mountains out of molehills when it comes to things I have done, I tend to be too hard on myself. I tear myself apart and think other people are doing the same, but they probably aren't, but even if they are, I can't do anything about it.
But like I said, I try to fix everything..like I want to clear up anything and make things right when they weren't even wrong to begin with. I will find things to apologize for just to make sure that people don't have anything to be mad at me for. Because I wouldn't want people to be mad at me secretly and waiting for me to come to them and apologize! I am exhausting myself just writing this! Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I be happy and not read into people's behavior? For example, I haven't talked to one of my best friends in a couple of days, and when I talked to her the last few times, she seemed to be a little withdrawn. Immediately my insecurity kicks in, and my mind starts to think she is pulling away from me and doesn't want to talk. On the other hand, I know she is probably very busy with school and the semester wrapping up. But she is not acting like herself, that I know. and deep down, I am afraid...afraid of losing her friendship, and for some reason I think I have to hold on to her for dear life or I will lose her. And I always think its something that I did, that I pushed her away, or I do something that makes her not want to talk to me. What is my problem? Normally, I would apologize the next time I talk to her. But more than likely, she is busy and not even thinking anything like that....and this is a perfect example of everything I just wrote about myself. I am lucky to even have friends....
Friday, April 11, 2008
Lovely Way to Spend Half an Hour...
This afternoon I took my four year old sister outside to have tea. I spread a tablecloth out on the front yard and we sat under a cloudless blue sky. I knew a pretend tea with my sister's set would be ok, but having something tangible to play with is much better. So I borrowed my mom's teapot and two tea cups and filled the pot with pink lemonade. I grabbed my sister's favorite treat, yogurt covered pretzels, and took all of our tea time goods outside with us. My sister was thrilled...
It didn't take much for her to be impressed. She kept saying things like "this is a wonderful idea to have a tea party" and "its such a beautiful day today." My heart melted by how sweet she was. She wanted to pour me my "tea" and made sure my cup was never empty. We talked about getting a kite, how all caterpillars turn into butterflies (which was brought up in our conversation upon seeing a yellow butterfly), and we played "I spy", which she has become very good at.
We sat outside for about half an hour, talking and sipping our pink lemonade. Occasionally she would stretch out on the sheet and put her head on my lap. She was so careful not to accidentally knock over or spill her drink, and politely asked me every time she wanted a pretzel. I tried to teach her how to hold her tea cup with her pinky finger up, but that only resulted with a confused look on her face and me chuckling on the inside.
It was by far the best half hour I have had in a long time.
It didn't take much for her to be impressed. She kept saying things like "this is a wonderful idea to have a tea party" and "its such a beautiful day today." My heart melted by how sweet she was. She wanted to pour me my "tea" and made sure my cup was never empty. We talked about getting a kite, how all caterpillars turn into butterflies (which was brought up in our conversation upon seeing a yellow butterfly), and we played "I spy", which she has become very good at.
We sat outside for about half an hour, talking and sipping our pink lemonade. Occasionally she would stretch out on the sheet and put her head on my lap. She was so careful not to accidentally knock over or spill her drink, and politely asked me every time she wanted a pretzel. I tried to teach her how to hold her tea cup with her pinky finger up, but that only resulted with a confused look on her face and me chuckling on the inside.
It was by far the best half hour I have had in a long time.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Lifestyle does not equate to life....
Moving to a new place is hard! I have learned in this past month how adapted I was to my old lifestyle, and how difficult it is to truly let go and change. I became comfortable in my routine and being in a totally different environment has made me very aware of how used to my routine I became. I got used to doing things a certain way, and I truly believe that God has put me here so that I can learn that my lifestyle was not necessarily my life.
I live in a place now thats almost opposite of where I used to live. And like a spoiled brat, I find myself complaining internally and constantly comparing the two places. I know God has put me here...but I am dragging my feet and making a "big stink" about it. WHY? What good will that do? I am acting like Jonah...instead of just going and doing what I know God has told me to do and making efforts to enjoy it, I am mentally (like God doesn't know what I am thinking?) having a bad attitude. Like yesterday, I had to run a few errands by myself and for the first time in a long time, I had no idea where I was going and needed very specific directions to get to the places I needed to go. I found myself sitting in my car, annoyed by the fact that I had no sense of direction, no real idea of where I was going. Everything was foreign to me, and the sense that I didn't feel at home in my new neighborhood was unsettling. I wanted my cozy and comfy old life, where I knew the hood like the back of my hand and didn't need any direction. Maybe God wants me here so that I can learn to take direction or that I can be dependent upon His direction? I am revealing lessons to myself as I write!
The truth is...my old lifestyle, my comfort zone, is not my life's calling. God did not put me on this Earth so that I could be comfortable! He will not ask me in Heaven, "Did you live your life to fullest? Were you comfy and cozy?"....NO! God works the most in our discomfort. Living life does not mean that your lifestyle is what you want ! It means you make the most in your life out of what you have, out of what God gives you. Its like the saying goes.."If life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Well, in my stinky attitude I may think life is handing me lemons, but here's a grand idea...maybe I should drop the attitude!
I live in a place now thats almost opposite of where I used to live. And like a spoiled brat, I find myself complaining internally and constantly comparing the two places. I know God has put me here...but I am dragging my feet and making a "big stink" about it. WHY? What good will that do? I am acting like Jonah...instead of just going and doing what I know God has told me to do and making efforts to enjoy it, I am mentally (like God doesn't know what I am thinking?) having a bad attitude. Like yesterday, I had to run a few errands by myself and for the first time in a long time, I had no idea where I was going and needed very specific directions to get to the places I needed to go. I found myself sitting in my car, annoyed by the fact that I had no sense of direction, no real idea of where I was going. Everything was foreign to me, and the sense that I didn't feel at home in my new neighborhood was unsettling. I wanted my cozy and comfy old life, where I knew the hood like the back of my hand and didn't need any direction. Maybe God wants me here so that I can learn to take direction or that I can be dependent upon His direction? I am revealing lessons to myself as I write!
The truth is...my old lifestyle, my comfort zone, is not my life's calling. God did not put me on this Earth so that I could be comfortable! He will not ask me in Heaven, "Did you live your life to fullest? Were you comfy and cozy?"....NO! God works the most in our discomfort. Living life does not mean that your lifestyle is what you want ! It means you make the most in your life out of what you have, out of what God gives you. Its like the saying goes.."If life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Well, in my stinky attitude I may think life is handing me lemons, but here's a grand idea...maybe I should drop the attitude!
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Model Behavior....
This morning my mom, the most brilliant person I know, told me that I shouldn't let other people's action alter my own and that my behavior is not contingent upon the behavior of other people. This is such a freeing statement!By freeing, I mean this- we decide in our minds that we are going to act a certain way and no matter what people may do it will not change our determined behavior. We can be steady as a rock, motionless, steadfast. Nothing can sway us, that is, if we can anchor ourselves to the Rock Himself, Jesus Christ.
As humans, we are not capable of doing this on our own. We were made to be dependent upon God. God purposely puts difficult situations and people in our lives so that we can learn to depend on Him and make the choice everyday to follow Him.We cannot make other people our source of strength, because people will let us down. But the beautiful thing about relying on God to be your strength is that when people let you down, make you angry, hurt your feelings, and try to tear you apart, the list could go on forever.....it will not sway you! Your identity is in Christ!
The thing that keeps me from experiencing this freedom is that I don't make things black and white in my mind. I, speaking from ongoing experience, will rely on my feelings to determine my behavior. I will make things gray in my mind,I will try to "fix" people, try to make things better in my own strength, and then the mess ensues...
So the lesson I have learned is this, make things black and white, don't leave room for what "I feel" like doing, and modeling my behavior after Christ's will bring me ultimate freedom! The choice is mine....let other people's behavior rule my life? Or experience the unconditional love, joy, patience, and kindness that comes when I become an imitator of Christ?
As humans, we are not capable of doing this on our own. We were made to be dependent upon God. God purposely puts difficult situations and people in our lives so that we can learn to depend on Him and make the choice everyday to follow Him.We cannot make other people our source of strength, because people will let us down. But the beautiful thing about relying on God to be your strength is that when people let you down, make you angry, hurt your feelings, and try to tear you apart, the list could go on forever.....it will not sway you! Your identity is in Christ!
The thing that keeps me from experiencing this freedom is that I don't make things black and white in my mind. I, speaking from ongoing experience, will rely on my feelings to determine my behavior. I will make things gray in my mind,I will try to "fix" people, try to make things better in my own strength, and then the mess ensues...
So the lesson I have learned is this, make things black and white, don't leave room for what "I feel" like doing, and modeling my behavior after Christ's will bring me ultimate freedom! The choice is mine....let other people's behavior rule my life? Or experience the unconditional love, joy, patience, and kindness that comes when I become an imitator of Christ?
Friday, April 4, 2008
The Art of Waiting...
Waiting is the hardest thing to do. It is difficult to wait upon God to act even though I know He is faithful to fulfill His promises. God takes His word seriously. He doesn't say things that He doesn't mean. Maybe it's hard to understand how God's character works because it is so different than our own. God is not human! He doesn't struggle with flakiness and unreliability, if anything, God is waiting on me to trust Him so that He can work in my life. So all this time I spend thinking I am waiting upon the Lord to act, He is actually waiting for me!
I have seen God act in my life. I can honestly point to many things that have happened and say they were direct results of God delivering on what He said He was going to do. The road may have been treacherous and longer than I expected, but ultimately God brought me to the place He wanted me to be. And yet, like a little child, I am here again asking Him how long will I have to wait. I am constantly reminded of the relationship I have with God through my little sister. She, as darling as she is, struggles with impatience. I get impatient with her impatience! Thankfully, God is not human and doesn't loose his cool with me like I, as sad as it is to admit, lose my cool with my sister. God wants us to wait because the people we can become through waiting will make us better prepared for what we are waiting for! I want to be married, and God knows it's one of the strongest desires of my heart. He also knows the person I want to be before I get married, and He and I are working on it. I am confident that He will deliver the right husband if I am willing to wait and become the right wife. All good things come in God's timing, not my own!
I have seen God act in my life. I can honestly point to many things that have happened and say they were direct results of God delivering on what He said He was going to do. The road may have been treacherous and longer than I expected, but ultimately God brought me to the place He wanted me to be. And yet, like a little child, I am here again asking Him how long will I have to wait. I am constantly reminded of the relationship I have with God through my little sister. She, as darling as she is, struggles with impatience. I get impatient with her impatience! Thankfully, God is not human and doesn't loose his cool with me like I, as sad as it is to admit, lose my cool with my sister. God wants us to wait because the people we can become through waiting will make us better prepared for what we are waiting for! I want to be married, and God knows it's one of the strongest desires of my heart. He also knows the person I want to be before I get married, and He and I are working on it. I am confident that He will deliver the right husband if I am willing to wait and become the right wife. All good things come in God's timing, not my own!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Growing Pains...
I have lived In Texas for a month now, and its been an experience to say the least. There is nothing like living out of your comfort zone, being in a new environment. The one thing that has made this past month the hardest is knowing that its permanent. I am not on vacation, where normally you leave and enjoy being somewhere different for a change because in the back of your mind you know you will return to home. No, this is the real deal. I will be here for as long as God keeps me here. Who knows how long that will be? Its terrifying and exciting all at the same time.With an emphasis on the terrifying...
My mom, the wisest person I know, described our moving situation to me like this. Its like when you are a kid and your feet are still growing. You have a favorite pair of shoes that you can't wear anymore because they don't fit. You still love the shoes...but the facts don't change. They don't fit anymore. As much as I hate to admit it, because the kid in me is still clinging to my favorite pair of shoes, Florida didn't fit anymore. I still love Calvary Chapel Ft.Lauderdale, I still love my best friends, I still love the beach...South Florida will always hold a special place in my heart. It still feels like home in a lot ways. But it was good for a season, just like my favorite pair of shoes...
My mom, the wisest person I know, described our moving situation to me like this. Its like when you are a kid and your feet are still growing. You have a favorite pair of shoes that you can't wear anymore because they don't fit. You still love the shoes...but the facts don't change. They don't fit anymore. As much as I hate to admit it, because the kid in me is still clinging to my favorite pair of shoes, Florida didn't fit anymore. I still love Calvary Chapel Ft.Lauderdale, I still love my best friends, I still love the beach...South Florida will always hold a special place in my heart. It still feels like home in a lot ways. But it was good for a season, just like my favorite pair of shoes...
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