Not Going Back...

I know I am being messed with. I know when all these little things happen, that they are meant to serve as a distraction. So I am trying my hardest not to get wrapped up in them. But its hard. Last night I had a dream about him, that stupid boy. If I could scream at the top of my lungs right now I would, but my sister is sleeping. So internally, I am throwing a fit. Why can't I just be free??? Its like a cruel joke, since I don't think about him during the day, he's going to creep into my dreams.

I don't understand why I am dreaming of him in the first place. I used to think I loved him (excuse me while I swallow my vomit) now I am at a place where I have accepted that I made a fool of myself, but I am not beating myself up about it. I was foolishly mistaken and it was an issue so much bigger than about the guy. I made a mistake, and I have made strides in moving on. But these dreams about him are like claws trying to desperately drag me back to that place I was in. I was held captive by my emotions, and my emotions cannot be trusted. My emotions led me to a very dark and sad place. It was a prison made out of my "feelings".

So I know thats where the enemy wants me. Held captive by my thoughts and emotions. And if he can't get me while I am awake, he's going to try his best to get me while I am asleep. That way I can wake up and have the awful, manipulative dream on the forefront of my mind.

I went for a good three weeks without any dreams like this. And now one hits me last night. Its a clear attack by the enemy. But hes not going to drag me back. I will not be moved. I am calling on Jesus to be my rock and keep me steadfast. Because this whole thing has nothing to do with the guy himself, it has more to do with me. The enemy just used the guy to drag me down faster, but only because I let him. He's not going to get me, no matter how hard he tries. God is bigger and God wants me free.

I am Needy and Happy to Be

I admitted something to myself the other day.

What I thought I wanted...I don't really want.

I am not ready to do many of the things that I thought I could muster myself ready for. The things I thought I wanted, I am simply not ready for them. For example, I have wanted to move out of my parents house for awhile now. I wanted to "feel" independent, put some space between me and my parents, and learn how to live outside of this life I have now. Learn how to live on my own. And I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to learn how to live on my own. Living on your own is highly overrated. I am not talking about mooching off my parents, what I mean is that I want to live my life with my family in the center of it. Its good to live with family, it teaches me to not have myself and my needs on the forefront of my mind. Living with my family means we operate as a family, and its a daily reminder to put myself last. Its give and take. And I never want to lose touch with that just because I want to live on my own. I think people have trouble in life because they put themselves first and they get comfortable living with only having to take care of themselves. I thinks thats a sad and dangerous place to be. I think its caused the divorce rate to be as high as it is. We have too many people in this world with their independence aka "selfishness" destroying their chances of having a selfless and happy marriage.

I have always felt weak for living with my parents. Or at least people have tried to make me feel that way. And I stupidly listened. Because living with my family has made me such a better person and it continues to reveal my flaws everyday. I am not left alone to become the person I could be if left to my own demise. This time with my family is precious, its like sand paper..its smoothing out my rough edges. I think I have put the wrong things up on a pedestal. I thought I was ready for "being on my own", but now its more than about being ready. I don't want to leave, because of the reasons I said before, but also because I still need my family. I want to be here, but I also need to be here. I am not weak for living with my family or wanting to be here.My parents have raised me to be strong and have taught me real independence, the kind that lives for other people and puts them first. The kind that can live and function with other people and your world isn't turned upside down if what you want doesn't happen. I have learned that the world's version of independence is actually deceiving, it fools you into thinking you don't need other people. As for me, I need my family. And I am happy to need them, thats not something I want to change in the name of "being able to make it by myself".

I'm over Myself..

I have this tendency to make everything about me. Sometimes I only look at how certain situations effect me and how I feel about it. I, I , I!!!
......and its exhausting.

I think I have been a lot better in this area, but a situation has arisen among my friends that has reminded me of my "me mentality" ways. And I didn't even realize I was doing...I guess it comes so naturally.

And my friends, as sweet as they are, love me through it.

I am never truly Lost....

There is a song by Coldplay titled "Lost", and this song, it speaks to me. The first time I heard it I think I broke into tears ( if you haven't figured it out by now, I am a crier). I am not sure what Coldplay was trying to say exactly with this song, but to me it means not letting your situations dictate you. You may be lost, but your not losing, you may be hurt, but your not hurting. Just because you are going through something, doesn't mean it needs to overcome you and consume you. We all go through our own stuff, everyday we are faced with some version of difficulty. But if all we do is focus on the hardship, then we are choosing our life to be a series of troubles and woes. Life is so much more. Life is not defined our day to day battles, but it certainly can be if we choose it to be. We just get lost sometimes, but with God He knows exactly where we are and where He's taking us, even if we don't have a clue.

That Week in Review Part II

Tuesday- I am having a hard time remembering tuesday. Its all a blur. Michelle took Nyquil the night before and slept the next day until 3 in the afternoon. I discovered that Michelle snores. I can't remember what we did that day...maybe thats the day we watched Lars and the Real Girl. We sat on the couch and Michelle gave me weird looks and made sassy comments. I think deep down she liked the movie...I mean, its got the guy from The Notebook in it! How could you not? Even though he played a socially troubled guy who loves a life size plastic doll in this movie, he will always be "I wrote you 365 letters...and its not over!"...*sigh*. So tuesday was a lazy day...

Wednesday- This was a great day. Michelle and I were able to experience some of my favorite things about Texas, and one thing I had yet to do since moving here. First we ate some lunch at the Salt Lick, my place of occupation. Michelle had an unusual (or maybe not so unusual for her) experience with The Ribs that matched the wierdness of our lunch conversation. We reached new depths in our friendship over those ribs. Next, We drove through Zilker park (which we both loved), its an amazing park in downtown Austin thats so beautiful. We drove around downtown, and on a whim we decided to get out and tour the Capitol Building. I am SO glad we did that. We both loved the building and yet again, Michelle made me do things I didn't want to do. We went down to the creepy basement (where they tuck the house members away) and I hid behind a column and scared the dickens out of michelle. Payback is sweet...so sweet. After we scoured the Capitol and took a boat load of pictures, we headed down to South Congress (or SoCo as us Austinites like to call it) a lovely, eclectic area right out of the downtown area. We stop for cupcakes at Hey Cupcake! and Michelle fell in love....with the cupcake. It was a lovely day.

Thursday- Oh what a day. We both loved and hated this day. It was her last day here and already I was starting to miss her. We headed down to the San Marcos River to tube, and what seemed like a good idea leaded to one crazy and traumatic day. I lost my car keys in the river, after sticking them under my hat (so smart) and then swinging on a tree swing into the river and my hat fell off and the keys disappear into the river. It wasn't until multiple jumps and then five minutes of tubing down the river that I realized I lost them. She was a good distance ahead of me on her tube, and once it dawned on me that I had lost them...the panic ensued. I am yeliing at her to get her attention and once I finally do, must use my best charade skills to let her know what I had done.....
That day Michelle and I's different personalities came through. I think I wouldn't have been so upset as I was if the situation had been different. It happened to be that my dad was conducting very serious business in San Antonio that day and my mom was stressed and running a million errands trying to get everything together to go to Corpus Christi the next morning for my sister-in-laws baby shower. I refused to call either one of them to stop what they are doing, drive home and grab the spare key, and then head down to San Marcos to get it to me. That wasn ot an option. So Michelle is standing on the banks of the river, watching me as I idiotically and frantically ask every single person at the river if they have goggles so I can try to find my keys at the bottom of a murky river and not to mention, a current. Michelle is trying to talk sense into my, trying to be realistic. But I refuse to listen, refuse to give up looking. And then I see a lady with fins and a goggle mask and I sprint over to her to see if I can borrow her mask and instead she volunteers to help me look. Five minutes later, to both the amazement of us both. she finds the keys. I wanted to kiss this lady on both cheeks and give her all my money.
So we try to recover from my stupidity and enjoy the river again, tubing down to the rapids. Where we stupidly go down rapids without our tubes, thinking it was gonna be like a slide at a waterpark (we are both morons)...and we almost drown and die. After that experience we both are reluctant to go near a river...
So we head to WonderWorld after the river, to see the dry-formed cave.Wonder World was not what we expected, the white trash factor was through the roof.But we wanted to go "spelunking", so we deal with the tackiness and the tour guides and enjoyed the cave anyways. Afterwards, we hit up the outlets, do a little birthday shopping, and then grabbed one last dinner at Chuys before going home, exhausted and sad that our visit together was almost over.

Friday- We wake up at 6 am to get Michelle to the airport. It felt a little awkward riding in the car back to the airport, when it felt like I had just picked her up. Its never enough time, but I am so grateful for the time we did have. Before getting out of the car, Michelle gives me a card with a CD in it, and insists I listen to it while driving home. As I pull away from the curb, I "pop in" (hahaha) the CD and cry my eyes out. I love that girl, and it was heartbreaking to let her go. But like I said, the time we had was so much fun and so special...this blog can't even contain it. Even as I write more memories come to mind. Little details I hope my brain will hold onto to forever, because its those things that make life so sweet. And life will continue to be sweet, because we are either coming out of a visit together, or going into one. The time in between is simply counting down the days until we see each other again.

That Week in Review Part I

Michelle came to Austin July 21-27, and it was an awesome week. I had a great time with her and I wanted to write a synopsis of the week so I won't forget the details.

Saturday- Michelle arrives in Austin, after being rerouted be Southwest and having to take three flights to get here. They also lost her bag at the end of the day. We ate dinner at the Hula Hut, where michelle helped me park my car, and chips and queso, a fuzzy navel, a self serve chip dispenser, an enchilada, a video of me laughing, and the blessed key lime mints made our night. Even though we were both hormonal and heavy hearted (michelle's dad had an infected foot that possibly needed surgery), it was a great kick start to the week ahead.

Sunday- We both sleep in ridiculously late and manage to get awake and alive. We hang out around the house and take a dip in the pool before going to church. After church we hit up Jason's Deli, where theology was the table topic (I know I was right...ha!). I then take her over to Amy's Ice Cream, where we are hit on by a 15 year old looking kid, who gives us a free mix in just because we were "friendly". And he punched my ice cream card 4 times...heck yeah. Michelle, rated our ice cream a "solid 9". We attempted to see a movie, and missed all the show times. So we headed over to the hollywood rental, where michelle "disappears" to the bathroom for twenty minutes, thinking she told me but, trust me, she did not. I am freaking out, not able to find her, thinking she is playing with me. But she wasn't. Anyways, michelle is no help picking out a movie and I have to pick on my own. I picked out some doozies. And michelle saw a pickle in a pouch and flirted with the guy behind the counter of course....and scored a free movie.

Monday- We started the day with a visit to my chiropractor, where michelle was hoping to see a certain someone but never did. So disappointed. She cringes as I get adjusted. We then hit up the local bakery where we get stocked with cookies, drinks, and a scone for our trip to San Antonio. Michelle determines they were the best cookies...ever. So we make our way to Six Flags, and quickly made up our minds about the place. It doesn't hold a candle to Disney. Michelle gets me to go on rides I would never have gone on before, including a rollercoaster that goes backwards, the up- down thing, and a twisty ride that I never want to look at again....but we liked the water rides, the carousel, and the superman rollercoaster was awesome. Jonathan, the frozen lemonande kid, says we have to pay with cash, a rule that came out of nowhere. And after many rides, videos and pictures later, we head home tired and our heads buzzing. Michelle wasn't feeling so hot...

to be continued....

God is so Funny...

So I went to work today, wholeheartedly devoted to working for the Lord, determined to let my light shine in the workplace. I decided to choose contentment, pushing myself to be happy with what I was given and make the best of it, regardless of my feelings. We were consistently busy today, and I was on my feet all day with no break. But I like it that way. I like feeling like my day was productive and if I am going to spend 6 hours at work, I want it to be a busy 6 hours. I had a good day, even though I worked my booty off.

At the end of the day, I say goodbye to one of the managers and she says she wants to talk to me. So we walk outside where she informs me that she wants to train me as a server. WHOA! Now understand, I applied to work as a server, but since the Salt Lick is an established place, people usually have to work 1-2 years to work up to a server position. I feel like God has blessed me immensely. My manager still has to get this approved by her boss, but regardless, she thinks I am server material. And if I don't get it this time around, more than likely I will get another chance soon. And I have been working there only two months! Only God could bring opportunities like this. Being a server at the Salt Lick means being a respected part of a favorite Texas establishment. No joke! and the money ain't bad...hahaha!

It just reminds me of what God can do when you surrender to Him. He blesses those who pursue Him with all their heart, soul, and mind. He brings success and favor. He is good, and I don't know why I am surprised, honestly. I know God is good, I am just always blown away when He chooses to pour His goodness out on me. I am so undeserving, but I am so thankful. The day after I pour my heart out about this job into my blog, He gives me the opportunity I was hoping for all along. Isn't he so funny?

Being Happy with whats on my Plate....even if its Cole Slaw

Ever since I started my job at the Salt Lick I have wondered if I should stay. I felt like it was the right place for me to work at when I got the job, but I have to admit, I have been second guessing that decision. But I still go to work, with no intention of quitting. I am walking this line, this balancing act, trying to figure out whether I need to stick it out or learn how to let go and reach for more.

I tend to be the kind of person that if something doesn't really tickle my fancy, I give up. Or I "fizzle out". I start out full throttle, but once I realize that I am not enjoying myself, the attitude kicks in. If I am not "happy" doing something, it must mean that the situation needs to change, not my standards for happiness. I am coming to the realization that there is a time and place for everything, that I can understand why I am not necessarily "happy" doing something because its not my long term goal, but I need to have joy doing it and be content with what is on my plate now. I have been given this job, that I don't really enjoy doing and my eyes are glued to the clock throughout the whole shift, but I know that if I went and got a job somewhere else, I would find something wrong with that one, too. The point is, I need to learn to stick things out, even if its unpleasant and not what I feel like doing. Its going to teach me how to have perseverance, and also not to put what I don't have up on a pedestal.

In my town, there are a lot of cows and goats roaming around in their fields. So many times I drive past them and they are straining their neck, squeezing it through the fence, trying to get their teeth on the grass outside the fence. I think they are so silly....why don't they spare their poor necks and eat the ten acres of grass inside the fence? I am exactly the same way....I idolize what is outside my reach. The job I want (something creative and design related) is not possible right now. Maybe once I have a little school under my belt, I can work in a firm or something. But realistically I couldn't get that job now. I have full confidence that at the right time, I will get that job. I will get a job that will go towards what I want to do. But right now, I serve drinks and desserts, and scoop beans, cole slaw, and potato salad onto plates. Its not my dream, or life goal. But its teaching me invaluable lessons of determination, selflessness, and hard work. So when I get to work in the interior design field, I will be a force to be reckoned with.

In conclusion, when I decide to be content with this job, I am actually pushing myself to be content. I am not settling, or staying in my comfy zone. I am choosing to stretch myself, push beyond my capacity, reach for more from myself....and kick it up a notch. And have absolute joy doing so....after all I am working for Jesus, right?