Happily Engaged...

It is so good to be here in this moment. Hearing the rain hitting the roof and my tummy full of chocolate cake. I have been away too long, for reasons I'm not sure of. But here I am now, with my blog. My blog is a good friend of mine, and so if I haven't visited it in awhile, writing a post is like getting together for coffee with a best friend. Its just what the doctor ordered.

So many things have happened over the past couple of weeks. I turned 21 on the fifth (hooray!), and decided that I didn't want to drink alcohol. I figured that I have lived my life happily without it, and have had lots of fun without it, so why start now? I think most people drink just because they can, and they are trying to fill a void. And in too many cases drinking becomes a problem, especially for those who don't expect it to. So..I decided to not go down that road.

I became an aunt as well, which I am still digesting. So crazy!! My brother and his wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Aidan Micah Armstrong, at about 12:30 on Tuesday, August 12th. I love that child already. I am determined to be the best aunt that ever walked the planet. Once my brother and sister in law get settled in San Antonio, I am going to be down there every chance I can get ( ya know, without driving them crazy or invading their personal space...) ha!

Something special happened the other day. Well, let me share the background story first. A girl I know from back in the day youth group in church recently became engaged. And this brought upon thoughts of engagement and what that means. Its a promise to love. An agreement that you and your special someone are on the same page, want the same things, want to be with each other. And as I was flipping through this girl's pictures on facebook, I was so happy for her because she really lived her faith and waited for the right person, and now she is so apparently happy. I applaud that, big time.

As much as I know that engagement is not a factor in my life right now (because engagement requires a relationship, and well...we know where I stand with that), I still envied that sense of purpose that comes with engagement. I mean, think about what that word means. Its like "I am engaged to someone, I engaged with someone, I am engaged in someone." Its a promise to live life purposely. If you are engaged to someone, you have intention. And at that moment, looking at those pictures, I realized how badly I want to live life with purpose and intention. Life is too short to do otherwise. So I knew in my heart that I was engaged to the Lord, and that I have made a commitment to do so. But the very next day, my mom gives me a mac daddy bling of a ring, that is practically an engagement ring. She bought it for me because she has one very similar that she wears as her wedding ring, and I guess she caught on that I liked it. If she would take it off and set it on the counter for some reason I would snatch it up and try it on my finger (where a wedding ring would be) and gaze longingly at that ring. I would jokingly (or maybe sort of seriously) tell her that I want the wedding ring without the wedding part.

So my mom, the wonderful person she is, bought me this ring. I squeal (yes I sure did, just like a pig about to get fed) with delight, and slid that bad boy onto my wedding ring finger (surely that is not what they call it...but I don't know these things). I make a comment about it looking like an engagement ring, and how everyone at school will ask me if I'm married. My mom replies with, "You are. You are married to the Lord." How right she is....and I could not be happier. God makes a pretty awesome husband. The fact He heard my heart that night about engagement and then showed me such a love gesture in that ring through my mom...its fantastic. How can any guy even compare?

Not liking living in Funkytown....

I have been feeling really blah recently. I have been really hard on myself and picking myself apart. Not acting like myself at all. I feel like I need to spend some serious time with God and get myself back on track. I know that whenever my head feels a little "fuzzy" and everything seems a little muddled in my mind, time in God's word always makes things clearer. I can't afford to let this funk clear out on its own. I have to take control and make it go away. If I focus on God's goodness then I can get out of this moody mess. I just need God's help, the enemy is coming down on me really hard and I need to put an end to it. I want to live in God's goodness and joy. Not give into the anxiety, doubt, apathy, pressure and fears that seem to be coming at me at a million directions. I refuse to give into those feelings. I cannot go back to depression.I know the enemy is trying to pull me back so hard to that place. I see the signs and symptoms everywhere. I need God's rescuing. I need Him to help me from going back to that place. I want to live in God's freedom.

Not Going Back...

I know I am being messed with. I know when all these little things happen, that they are meant to serve as a distraction. So I am trying my hardest not to get wrapped up in them. But its hard. Last night I had a dream about him, that stupid boy. If I could scream at the top of my lungs right now I would, but my sister is sleeping. So internally, I am throwing a fit. Why can't I just be free??? Its like a cruel joke, since I don't think about him during the day, he's going to creep into my dreams.

I don't understand why I am dreaming of him in the first place. I used to think I loved him (excuse me while I swallow my vomit) now I am at a place where I have accepted that I made a fool of myself, but I am not beating myself up about it. I was foolishly mistaken and it was an issue so much bigger than about the guy. I made a mistake, and I have made strides in moving on. But these dreams about him are like claws trying to desperately drag me back to that place I was in. I was held captive by my emotions, and my emotions cannot be trusted. My emotions led me to a very dark and sad place. It was a prison made out of my "feelings".

So I know thats where the enemy wants me. Held captive by my thoughts and emotions. And if he can't get me while I am awake, he's going to try his best to get me while I am asleep. That way I can wake up and have the awful, manipulative dream on the forefront of my mind.

I went for a good three weeks without any dreams like this. And now one hits me last night. Its a clear attack by the enemy. But hes not going to drag me back. I will not be moved. I am calling on Jesus to be my rock and keep me steadfast. Because this whole thing has nothing to do with the guy himself, it has more to do with me. The enemy just used the guy to drag me down faster, but only because I let him. He's not going to get me, no matter how hard he tries. God is bigger and God wants me free.

I am Needy and Happy to Be

I admitted something to myself the other day.

What I thought I wanted...I don't really want.

I am not ready to do many of the things that I thought I could muster myself ready for. The things I thought I wanted, I am simply not ready for them. For example, I have wanted to move out of my parents house for awhile now. I wanted to "feel" independent, put some space between me and my parents, and learn how to live outside of this life I have now. Learn how to live on my own. And I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to learn how to live on my own. Living on your own is highly overrated. I am not talking about mooching off my parents, what I mean is that I want to live my life with my family in the center of it. Its good to live with family, it teaches me to not have myself and my needs on the forefront of my mind. Living with my family means we operate as a family, and its a daily reminder to put myself last. Its give and take. And I never want to lose touch with that just because I want to live on my own. I think people have trouble in life because they put themselves first and they get comfortable living with only having to take care of themselves. I thinks thats a sad and dangerous place to be. I think its caused the divorce rate to be as high as it is. We have too many people in this world with their independence aka "selfishness" destroying their chances of having a selfless and happy marriage.

I have always felt weak for living with my parents. Or at least people have tried to make me feel that way. And I stupidly listened. Because living with my family has made me such a better person and it continues to reveal my flaws everyday. I am not left alone to become the person I could be if left to my own demise. This time with my family is precious, its like sand paper..its smoothing out my rough edges. I think I have put the wrong things up on a pedestal. I thought I was ready for "being on my own", but now its more than about being ready. I don't want to leave, because of the reasons I said before, but also because I still need my family. I want to be here, but I also need to be here. I am not weak for living with my family or wanting to be here.My parents have raised me to be strong and have taught me real independence, the kind that lives for other people and puts them first. The kind that can live and function with other people and your world isn't turned upside down if what you want doesn't happen. I have learned that the world's version of independence is actually deceiving, it fools you into thinking you don't need other people. As for me, I need my family. And I am happy to need them, thats not something I want to change in the name of "being able to make it by myself".

I'm over Myself..

I have this tendency to make everything about me. Sometimes I only look at how certain situations effect me and how I feel about it. I, I , I!!!
......and its exhausting.

I think I have been a lot better in this area, but a situation has arisen among my friends that has reminded me of my "me mentality" ways. And I didn't even realize I was doing...I guess it comes so naturally.

And my friends, as sweet as they are, love me through it.

I am never truly Lost....

There is a song by Coldplay titled "Lost", and this song, it speaks to me. The first time I heard it I think I broke into tears ( if you haven't figured it out by now, I am a crier). I am not sure what Coldplay was trying to say exactly with this song, but to me it means not letting your situations dictate you. You may be lost, but your not losing, you may be hurt, but your not hurting. Just because you are going through something, doesn't mean it needs to overcome you and consume you. We all go through our own stuff, everyday we are faced with some version of difficulty. But if all we do is focus on the hardship, then we are choosing our life to be a series of troubles and woes. Life is so much more. Life is not defined our day to day battles, but it certainly can be if we choose it to be. We just get lost sometimes, but with God He knows exactly where we are and where He's taking us, even if we don't have a clue.

That Week in Review Part II

Tuesday- I am having a hard time remembering tuesday. Its all a blur. Michelle took Nyquil the night before and slept the next day until 3 in the afternoon. I discovered that Michelle snores. I can't remember what we did that day...maybe thats the day we watched Lars and the Real Girl. We sat on the couch and Michelle gave me weird looks and made sassy comments. I think deep down she liked the movie...I mean, its got the guy from The Notebook in it! How could you not? Even though he played a socially troubled guy who loves a life size plastic doll in this movie, he will always be "I wrote you 365 letters...and its not over!"...*sigh*. So tuesday was a lazy day...

Wednesday- This was a great day. Michelle and I were able to experience some of my favorite things about Texas, and one thing I had yet to do since moving here. First we ate some lunch at the Salt Lick, my place of occupation. Michelle had an unusual (or maybe not so unusual for her) experience with The Ribs that matched the wierdness of our lunch conversation. We reached new depths in our friendship over those ribs. Next, We drove through Zilker park (which we both loved), its an amazing park in downtown Austin thats so beautiful. We drove around downtown, and on a whim we decided to get out and tour the Capitol Building. I am SO glad we did that. We both loved the building and yet again, Michelle made me do things I didn't want to do. We went down to the creepy basement (where they tuck the house members away) and I hid behind a column and scared the dickens out of michelle. Payback is sweet...so sweet. After we scoured the Capitol and took a boat load of pictures, we headed down to South Congress (or SoCo as us Austinites like to call it) a lovely, eclectic area right out of the downtown area. We stop for cupcakes at Hey Cupcake! and Michelle fell in love....with the cupcake. It was a lovely day.

Thursday- Oh what a day. We both loved and hated this day. It was her last day here and already I was starting to miss her. We headed down to the San Marcos River to tube, and what seemed like a good idea leaded to one crazy and traumatic day. I lost my car keys in the river, after sticking them under my hat (so smart) and then swinging on a tree swing into the river and my hat fell off and the keys disappear into the river. It wasn't until multiple jumps and then five minutes of tubing down the river that I realized I lost them. She was a good distance ahead of me on her tube, and once it dawned on me that I had lost them...the panic ensued. I am yeliing at her to get her attention and once I finally do, must use my best charade skills to let her know what I had done.....
That day Michelle and I's different personalities came through. I think I wouldn't have been so upset as I was if the situation had been different. It happened to be that my dad was conducting very serious business in San Antonio that day and my mom was stressed and running a million errands trying to get everything together to go to Corpus Christi the next morning for my sister-in-laws baby shower. I refused to call either one of them to stop what they are doing, drive home and grab the spare key, and then head down to San Marcos to get it to me. That wasn ot an option. So Michelle is standing on the banks of the river, watching me as I idiotically and frantically ask every single person at the river if they have goggles so I can try to find my keys at the bottom of a murky river and not to mention, a current. Michelle is trying to talk sense into my, trying to be realistic. But I refuse to listen, refuse to give up looking. And then I see a lady with fins and a goggle mask and I sprint over to her to see if I can borrow her mask and instead she volunteers to help me look. Five minutes later, to both the amazement of us both. she finds the keys. I wanted to kiss this lady on both cheeks and give her all my money.
So we try to recover from my stupidity and enjoy the river again, tubing down to the rapids. Where we stupidly go down rapids without our tubes, thinking it was gonna be like a slide at a waterpark (we are both morons)...and we almost drown and die. After that experience we both are reluctant to go near a river...
So we head to WonderWorld after the river, to see the dry-formed cave.Wonder World was not what we expected, the white trash factor was through the roof.But we wanted to go "spelunking", so we deal with the tackiness and the tour guides and enjoyed the cave anyways. Afterwards, we hit up the outlets, do a little birthday shopping, and then grabbed one last dinner at Chuys before going home, exhausted and sad that our visit together was almost over.

Friday- We wake up at 6 am to get Michelle to the airport. It felt a little awkward riding in the car back to the airport, when it felt like I had just picked her up. Its never enough time, but I am so grateful for the time we did have. Before getting out of the car, Michelle gives me a card with a CD in it, and insists I listen to it while driving home. As I pull away from the curb, I "pop in" (hahaha) the CD and cry my eyes out. I love that girl, and it was heartbreaking to let her go. But like I said, the time we had was so much fun and so special...this blog can't even contain it. Even as I write more memories come to mind. Little details I hope my brain will hold onto to forever, because its those things that make life so sweet. And life will continue to be sweet, because we are either coming out of a visit together, or going into one. The time in between is simply counting down the days until we see each other again.

That Week in Review Part I

Michelle came to Austin July 21-27, and it was an awesome week. I had a great time with her and I wanted to write a synopsis of the week so I won't forget the details.

Saturday- Michelle arrives in Austin, after being rerouted be Southwest and having to take three flights to get here. They also lost her bag at the end of the day. We ate dinner at the Hula Hut, where michelle helped me park my car, and chips and queso, a fuzzy navel, a self serve chip dispenser, an enchilada, a video of me laughing, and the blessed key lime mints made our night. Even though we were both hormonal and heavy hearted (michelle's dad had an infected foot that possibly needed surgery), it was a great kick start to the week ahead.

Sunday- We both sleep in ridiculously late and manage to get awake and alive. We hang out around the house and take a dip in the pool before going to church. After church we hit up Jason's Deli, where theology was the table topic (I know I was right...ha!). I then take her over to Amy's Ice Cream, where we are hit on by a 15 year old looking kid, who gives us a free mix in just because we were "friendly". And he punched my ice cream card 4 times...heck yeah. Michelle, rated our ice cream a "solid 9". We attempted to see a movie, and missed all the show times. So we headed over to the hollywood rental, where michelle "disappears" to the bathroom for twenty minutes, thinking she told me but, trust me, she did not. I am freaking out, not able to find her, thinking she is playing with me. But she wasn't. Anyways, michelle is no help picking out a movie and I have to pick on my own. I picked out some doozies. And michelle saw a pickle in a pouch and flirted with the guy behind the counter of course....and scored a free movie.

Monday- We started the day with a visit to my chiropractor, where michelle was hoping to see a certain someone but never did. So disappointed. She cringes as I get adjusted. We then hit up the local bakery where we get stocked with cookies, drinks, and a scone for our trip to San Antonio. Michelle determines they were the best cookies...ever. So we make our way to Six Flags, and quickly made up our minds about the place. It doesn't hold a candle to Disney. Michelle gets me to go on rides I would never have gone on before, including a rollercoaster that goes backwards, the up- down thing, and a twisty ride that I never want to look at again....but we liked the water rides, the carousel, and the superman rollercoaster was awesome. Jonathan, the frozen lemonande kid, says we have to pay with cash, a rule that came out of nowhere. And after many rides, videos and pictures later, we head home tired and our heads buzzing. Michelle wasn't feeling so hot...

to be continued....

God is so Funny...

So I went to work today, wholeheartedly devoted to working for the Lord, determined to let my light shine in the workplace. I decided to choose contentment, pushing myself to be happy with what I was given and make the best of it, regardless of my feelings. We were consistently busy today, and I was on my feet all day with no break. But I like it that way. I like feeling like my day was productive and if I am going to spend 6 hours at work, I want it to be a busy 6 hours. I had a good day, even though I worked my booty off.

At the end of the day, I say goodbye to one of the managers and she says she wants to talk to me. So we walk outside where she informs me that she wants to train me as a server. WHOA! Now understand, I applied to work as a server, but since the Salt Lick is an established place, people usually have to work 1-2 years to work up to a server position. I feel like God has blessed me immensely. My manager still has to get this approved by her boss, but regardless, she thinks I am server material. And if I don't get it this time around, more than likely I will get another chance soon. And I have been working there only two months! Only God could bring opportunities like this. Being a server at the Salt Lick means being a respected part of a favorite Texas establishment. No joke! and the money ain't bad...hahaha!

It just reminds me of what God can do when you surrender to Him. He blesses those who pursue Him with all their heart, soul, and mind. He brings success and favor. He is good, and I don't know why I am surprised, honestly. I know God is good, I am just always blown away when He chooses to pour His goodness out on me. I am so undeserving, but I am so thankful. The day after I pour my heart out about this job into my blog, He gives me the opportunity I was hoping for all along. Isn't he so funny?

Being Happy with whats on my Plate....even if its Cole Slaw

Ever since I started my job at the Salt Lick I have wondered if I should stay. I felt like it was the right place for me to work at when I got the job, but I have to admit, I have been second guessing that decision. But I still go to work, with no intention of quitting. I am walking this line, this balancing act, trying to figure out whether I need to stick it out or learn how to let go and reach for more.

I tend to be the kind of person that if something doesn't really tickle my fancy, I give up. Or I "fizzle out". I start out full throttle, but once I realize that I am not enjoying myself, the attitude kicks in. If I am not "happy" doing something, it must mean that the situation needs to change, not my standards for happiness. I am coming to the realization that there is a time and place for everything, that I can understand why I am not necessarily "happy" doing something because its not my long term goal, but I need to have joy doing it and be content with what is on my plate now. I have been given this job, that I don't really enjoy doing and my eyes are glued to the clock throughout the whole shift, but I know that if I went and got a job somewhere else, I would find something wrong with that one, too. The point is, I need to learn to stick things out, even if its unpleasant and not what I feel like doing. Its going to teach me how to have perseverance, and also not to put what I don't have up on a pedestal.

In my town, there are a lot of cows and goats roaming around in their fields. So many times I drive past them and they are straining their neck, squeezing it through the fence, trying to get their teeth on the grass outside the fence. I think they are so silly....why don't they spare their poor necks and eat the ten acres of grass inside the fence? I am exactly the same way....I idolize what is outside my reach. The job I want (something creative and design related) is not possible right now. Maybe once I have a little school under my belt, I can work in a firm or something. But realistically I couldn't get that job now. I have full confidence that at the right time, I will get that job. I will get a job that will go towards what I want to do. But right now, I serve drinks and desserts, and scoop beans, cole slaw, and potato salad onto plates. Its not my dream, or life goal. But its teaching me invaluable lessons of determination, selflessness, and hard work. So when I get to work in the interior design field, I will be a force to be reckoned with.

In conclusion, when I decide to be content with this job, I am actually pushing myself to be content. I am not settling, or staying in my comfy zone. I am choosing to stretch myself, push beyond my capacity, reach for more from myself....and kick it up a notch. And have absolute joy doing so....after all I am working for Jesus, right?

Who needs a boyfriend when you have best friends?

Is it possible to burst at the seams from love? Sometimes I think it is.I am having one of those moments. My heart is exceedingly blessed. God gives me so much more than I could ever deserve, and so often I stop and think of how loved and showered upon I am.

Right now my bestest friend is chatting politics with my mom. So I bowed out to give them some space, mostly because I love hearing my friend and my mom talk. Its so interesting to sit back and just listen. I get to talk to both of them separately all the time, so I enjoy getting out of the equation and letting them talk with out me in the middle. Its fun to me. It warms my heart.

I feel like I could die tomorrow and my life would have been successful. I have friends that have my back no matter what and know me inside and out. They are my family, and my life is overflowing with joy because of them. They are my lifetime friends, the kind that I will share my nursing home room with, and we will sit around and knit and recall the days we traveled together and the roads we went down (physically and spiritually). We will pull out our photo albums and laptops and check our facebook pages (I like to think we will be cool grandmas).

Between now and that time, I believe we will get married (for the two of us that are single) and share our weddings (Kate, oooh....it will be payback for you, sister). We will vacation together (Disney....always Disney). And we will have families and our kids will grow up together. We are a family, my friends and I, the kind of family that wasn't put together by blood, but chooses to be together in love. I am blessed...I have three sisters. One is biological. Two are just as close. My heart is their heart. Their heart is mine. I have so much gratitude that God put us together....He saw the big picture. He knew the ways we would need each other, even though we didn't necessarily know at the time.

Isn't God wonderful?

My heart is full. I thank God for His goodness.

My Heart is Full...

I am having one of those moments where I sit back and think of my life. And how blessed I am, how full my heart feels. Its an inexplicable feeling if joy and contentedness.

My brother is coming home from Afghanistan in about a week and a half, and he is expecting his first child in august. I am so happy to be seeing him, I feel like he and I will be starting a new chapter in our relationship.

I am going to see my sister in law, Melissa, next week for her baby shower. I am glad to finally be spending some real time with her.

My (what could I possibly call her?) best friend and sister Michelle is flying here today and I am just killing time until she gets here and I have her for a week (writing helps me from coming out of my skin with excitement).

I am sitting here with the ability to use my mom's computer and blog, meanwhile listening to the new coldplay cd on my ipod.

I have an amazing family, my sister is my sunshine and she and I are chilling at the house right now.

God has blessed me with a great church since we moved here, and God knew how much I needed a church here, more than anything. And we found that right away.

Through church I have met Jillian, my new friend, and I like her so much. I am almost afraid to tell her how much I like her because I don't want her to think I am a weirdo. But she and I click. I am blessed to have a friend here. And I genuinely think we will be good friends. And we are going to be camp counselors together....fun!

I am really feeling at home here in Texas, thanks to these things. I am believing in God's promises and realizing that God really has the best for those who believe and wait and trust in Him. Isaiah 64:4!!!

So my heart is full..here in this moment I acknowledge God for lavishing His goodness upon me and giving me the life I have. I am truly thankful, there is nothing I could ever do to deserve His grace and blessings.

I wanna live in the Joy.....

Right now my head is pounding and I am groggy. I have cried a lot over the past two days. I have tried to get off of caffiene, but I am happily letting go of that ambition. Right now is not the time to do that. One of my dogs passed away the other day, and I did not take it lightly.

The first day was hard, the second day was better because I had a busy day and was distracted. Today, I need to clean my house, because my friend and partner in crime is coming to stay with me for a week. And I am beyond thrilled.So yes I am sad, but everyday life helps keep me from dwelling on the sadness.

Right now, I have so many thoughts going through my head it would be hard to write just about one. SO, that being said, this will be a culmination of my many thoughts. Here we go....

Like I said, my dog just passed away. And it makes me think about when my first dog died, and how hard that hit me. I think for so long I didn't know how to handle anything difficult that came my way, and I have come a long way since that time. I look back at the person I was, and honestly I don't know that person anymore.This morning I went back and read some of my old blog posts, from when I first moved, and I don't recognize that person. God has worked in me in so many ways. I feel liberated of the things I struggled with for most of my life, and I still struggle, but I know how to work through it and not get lost in it. By God's grace, He has saved me, and helped me.

One thing thats being weighing on my mind is my last blog post. I cannot live one day longer with this anger. Talking to a friend on the phone the other day about her anger only triple confirmed how badly I need to lose mine. So I did. I made the choice not to be angry anymore. Its not my place to judge my dad, he is simply human and struggling like we all are, and he is also a son of God. God will deal with him, and I need to love him like God does. It will take baby steps, but the other day, in my heartbreak from my dog's death, I hugged my dad, really hugged him, because I needed him. I need my dad. I love him. And I let the enemy trip me up into this anger, thinking my anger would hurt my dad, and yes, it hurt him....but it hurt me more. God cannot use an angry person. And no one wants to be around an angry person. I thought for so long that someone would "make" me angry.....no one "makes" me angry! I have chosen to be angry. Not any more. I refuse to let the enemy hold me captive one more with this false sense if righteousness over someone else. Enough!

And on a lighter note...life is sweet. God has blessed me so much. And my perspective on life changes when I focus on how blessed I am. I am loved by God. I have great family and friends. There is joy in everyday life. I want to throw away this stupid "I have a reason to be mad all the time", and live in the joy of God's liberation!

Reoccurring Theme...

The message of Love is coming at me from a million different directions. I am doing a Bible study where we examined 1 Corinthians 13 "the Love chapter", and I just read an amazing life altering book, "The Shack", which is about God's character and His Love. This past Saturday I spent the day just hanging with my mom and aunt, and we watched the musical Annie (a story of love and redemption, as well as father-daughter love ) and then followed that up with A Little Princess, one of the best movies EVER. It also is about love, how a father and daughter share a deep love for each other, and how this love keeps the little girl, even in the darkest of circumstances, believing that she and all girls are princesses.

I struggle with my relationship with my dad. Its hurting in a lot of ways. To me, he is my "unloveable person", I simply don't know how to do it. In an attempt to keep myself from getting hurt, I have put up my guard around him, and am now feelingless. I refuse to get hurt, I have spent too much time being hurt and upset...now I just have rage. I fill up with anger and try live and operate within my anger. Its all directed towards him. And Lord forbid he does something that pokes me in the least bit way, because the fury will start to leak out. And its not pretty....
The thought of loving my Dad, really loving him like God asks me to, would require an out of body experience for me, to live beyond myself.

Hold up....isn't that what God asks us to do? To live outside of ourselves??

Part of my being able to love my dad, is understanding Gods love for me. If you have not read "The Shack", RUN to the bookstore and buy it. Don't live another day without reading it. It personalizes God and it changed my entire outlook on Him. Its truly indescribable. I finished it last night and tears were flowing. I think I have heard so many of the love "catch phrases" about God that they have lost their meaning. Yes, I know God is love....but what does that mean? I still have this warped view of who He is and my ideas of how he operates have clouded any illusion I might have that God is entirely love. I have let my experience with humans and my own judgements lead me to think that God's love is like our love....conditional, disappointing, superficial, moody, selfish...the list could go on. The thought that God NEVER stops loving me, that God not only loves me, but is IN love with me, is miraculous. He loves me and treasures me like I adore my little sister. I look at her and my heart goes out to her when she is so mad and her behavior gets in the way of what she could have. I want her to stop her tantrum so she can have the special treat, I am not angry with her or love her any less because she is "bad" sometimes. I think she is cute and funny...and I don't know how to say it but....I don't just love her, I LIKE her. And to think that God feels that way about me...is mind blowing. He is never disappointed in me, He genuinely likes me...He loves me.

One More Thought...

Just to add to my last post, I think we all want to be prioritized. To feel special in someone's eyes. To be not only needed, but wanted. And I like I said before, people will be able to offer that to us to some extent, but if only God graciously allows them to. People will always disappoint us, and that should be ok. Our reliance isn't upon them. Our reliance upon God is the only way for us to truly pour out to other people, and for them to be able to pour into us. Its sometimes hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that God will never leave or forsake us, He will never fail or disappoint us. And the more we draw from Him, the more we can pour out onto other people, without letting our disappointment in human nature get in the way of what God can accomplish through us. My best friends can't fulfill me, nor should they have to. They are just as human as I am. We are not perfect, but because God lives and works in all of us, we can love each other despite our flaws. In fact, our flaws are an opportunity for us to show each other grace and love. We might drive each other crazy, not understand each other's wacky deeply rooted psychological issues, second guess where we stand with each other, and battle our insecurities while trying to keep our friendship alive.....but who cares? Its a part of life, and you just don't give up on people just because your friendship brings out just how really human you are. You thank God you have these people who love you regardless.
Its that simple.

Ice cream on top of a Big Brownie"

Its amazing to me how much all of us are the same. We all want love and security. We want to be treasured and adored, and most of the time we look to people to be our source of validation. We were created to need, created to desire these things, to want to be fulfilled. There is no sense in denying it. I know people personally that claim to "not be needy", but I think its the people who think they don't need are the ones who need the most, they just aren't honest with themselves. In reality, we are made by God to be needy creatures. But He wants us to be needy of Him, and Him alone. This doesn't mean we walk through life with an independent "I don't need people" spirit, it means we find absolute fulfillment in God, and whatever else He puts in our life thats an extension of His all consuming, all fulfilling love for us (friends, family, etc.) is an OVERFLOW of an already full cup. Our cups should be filled to the brim with peace, security, and overall comfort in what God thinks of us. And we should be thankful for the wonderful relationships He puts in our lives, enjoying friendships as they are without putting so much pressure on them because they aren't what "fills our cup"....they are the overflow,the blessings God gives us so that His love can be displayed through them.

How I myself have looked to people to determine my role in life, my source of validation, when they, by their natural design, cannot be! They are mere humans, as I am, and we let our insecurities and second guessing spoil our relationships by trying to fit the person into the wrong role. A square (person) cannot fit into a round hole (God). And if we all were secure in God and thought of ourselves like God thought of us, looked to Him to know who we are in life, think of how our relationships would flourish! We would be able to enjoy each other without being tossed around with the waves. Our human behavior is all over the place, and when we dwell with God, the almighty rock and fortress, all of a sudden others' behavior (and even our own behavior!) doesn't rule or consume us! The we are freed up to show people (and ourselves) grace and not live our lives making judgements of other people, because we are secure in God. Because we know who we are, we now can see other people as they are.

And when my sweet, sweet, loveable and endearing friend, that I treasure so much that she can hardly know, shares her heart with me in a much needed phone conversation, I realized how much the same person not only she and I are, but people in general. Our feelings are not wrong (God put them in us!).....its our application of the feeling. We all want to be loved, so if we let ourselves be loved by God to the point of absolute fulfillment, we won't have to depend upon the love that comes from people to make us whole. We will already be whole, and whatever additional love God wants to shower on us through the form of relationships, will only be what I would like to call " the ice cream on top of a big brownie"...it takes whats already good on its own and makes it even better. God is that good.

My Thoughts on My Mom...

Something occurred to me the other night after my mom and I left the woman's bible study our church is having. It was our first night of study, and all the ladies went around the circle and introduced themselves. My mom and I weren't sitting next to each other, and it was my turn first. As I introduced myself to the group, I also mentioned that Ginger was my mom and pointed her out. And the response was the normal response...."There is no way she is your mom!"..."you don't look old enough to have her!" ....(looking at me now) "How old are you?"....

And its one thing to be shocked, but its another thing to keep on going with it. Ok, people, be shocked for like five seconds, and then get over it.

I should be used to it, part of me is...because Ginger and I have gotten that response since I moved to Florida to live with her and my dad. My Ginger has always loved and treated me like her daughter...I am her daughter. She is my mom. We have had none of that stepmom- stepdaughter nonsense. Ever.

What I love about my mom is how she doesn't care what people think. Even after she told people I was her daughter, and they make some stupid comment, she never follows up with " well, she's my stepdaughter" to ease people's mental strain. She just lets them go ahead and strain themselves trying to figure us out. Its awesome...I love her so much.

But after Bible study the other night, what occurred to me is how some people might think negatively of her. Like she might have had me at fifteen years old. And you know people are trying to count the years in their mind....(" ok if you are twenty and you are 35 then you must have had her at......oh my"). But that doesn't phase my mom at all, she would rather people think she had me at fifteen than that I am her step daughter. Even as I write it the tears start to flow.

And I would just like to say....people need to mind their own damn business. I mean, seriously. Their need to satisfy their own selfish curiousity could be causing pain to other people. If my mom had me at fifteen, if she adopted me, or whatever our story is, if its not offered to you, then why try to figure it out? Thank God that I am not hurt over my past, instead I am rejoicing over where God has taken me and where He has brought me. I am just amazed at people's lack of sensitivity and consideration. Lord knows my situation has changed the way I look at people and their situations, not make hasty judgements.

The Coolest Girl....

Sometimes I wish I could have a video recorder in my hand at all times. My sister is such a funny girl, and so many little moments happen every day that I want to remember forever. I treasure that little girl. She is so awesome and naturally, no four year old holds a candle to her. My life would be very sad without her. What fun she makes everyday life out to be. For example, she comes to me tonight and says...."I have three questions. You didn't put on the movie I wanted, You didn't make the broccoli right, and I want a sippy full of water." Hilarious! She is mean at all, more spunky than nasty. And the girl knows how to be sweet. I am in serious trouble, because she, just being her natural self, makes me want to give her whatever she wants.

Don't get me wrong, she drives me crazy. And despite our age difference (almost 17 years) we have a very typical sister sibling relationship. We squabble and converse as if we were a year apart. I love every second of it though. Whats amazing to me is that she and I are the same amount of years apart as my mom, Ginger, and I are. And I think about how much I love my mom and how my relationship with her is such an irreplaceable one. My mom is truly my favorite person. And I believe my sister and I will have a similar relationship that my mom and I have. Its like a circle of love and friendship that will continue through my sister and I. God is truly good. I love my brother, Jason, who is four years older than me, but I think God knew I needed another sibling. He could have given me one closer to my age, but I like what He gave me. I can't imagine it any other way. My sister is one of the very best things to happen to me. I love her in every sense of the word. My mom, my sister and I are the best of friends, and I am lucky and thankful to God that I am a part of such an awesome trio.

Observation...

Growing up, I decided to not date. I still practice that today, truly believing this time in my life is for the Lord, family, and friends..and school. Lots of school.

It seems like every person has their own idea of what it means to not date. I have observed so much about this growing up in a large church with a large youth group, and still today, with my small group of friends that have stuck with me through the awkward youth group years into the college-age time of life. So anyways this is my observation- it is always so much easier to follow your convictions (choosing not to date and stay focused on other things) if you tiptoe around the boundaries you have set for yourself. For example, if you are a guy, and surround yourself with a bunch of girls to be your friends (even if there are a few guys mixed in the bunch), its easier to be "single" because you still have the female presence in your life and all that entails (flirtation).

The same is pretty much true with girls. I have made that mistake in the past (like two weeks ago....ha!) where "liking" a guy has helped me get over the fact that I can't/not supposed to date him. Because my heart wasn't truly in my convictions! At some point, I knew what I was suppose to believe, the technicalities, but as far as how that applied to my life...I had lost touch. The facts are this, its almost IMPOSSIBLE to have a non-flirtatious friendship with opposite sex. I personally don't even want to bother trying....whats the point? If anything it makes us more confused because the friendship/dating line can become easily misunderstood and what was once black and white becomes muddled. I feel like more harm than good comes out of guy/girl friendships.....even in groups. The fact is that God created men and women to enjoy each other's presence, but its only the best to enjoy the opposite sex's company in marriage, at the right time in life. And as a young person, when this is the hardest for us, why do we determine that co-mingling is ok for us? Because its too extreme to only limit our friends to the same sex? Or is it because hanging out with the opposite sex lessens the sting of our chosen singleness? I ask myself these questions all the time, for myself and other people. I see guys I knew from growing up say that their relationship with the Lord is better than ever, they are more focused that ever, more content...and yet, they are fooling around with these female friend relationships. How can that be? As for myself, there's NO way that I can be close with the Lord when my mind is on some guy, either in a stupid "liking" way (which is completely self serving) or in a friends way. Maybe that is the best way to describe it.....self serving. This is the time in our young lives where we should be about other people, how can we serve others? And yet, it seems like we are more preoccupied with finding loopholes in our convictions.. "Its ok to be friends with the opposite sex as long as we are in groups", etc. Oh, I am tired of hearing the group excuse! Like no flirtation or fence-walking goes on in groups, Puh leez! Groups only make what goes on in a one on one situation seem ok, because you are in a group of people its better? And I am guilty of this myself....I don't know, I am just tired of the double standards. In myself, in other people. We could be doing so much more, giving so much more of ourselves, and to me, it looks like young people have gotten caught up in this "what feels good to us" game. What feels good to us is holding us back!Its been holding me back and its time to stop walking the fence and pick a side.

And on another note, as a young woman, a guy who has a bunch of "girl" friends has no chance with me! Sister don't think so!!!

Banging my Head against the wall...

I am having one of those days.....EVERYTHING is driving me crazy. I am ultra sensitive and its like my nerve endings are exposed and it doesn't take much for something to agitate me. I admit, I am not the most patient person, but I do try though.And then in the face of my efforts, people come my way and drive me bonkers. I have this one person in particular, a close family member of mine, that I want to strangle sometimes. It takes absolute reliance on Jesus, prayers that almost sound like chanting ("Jesus help me, Jesus help me, Jesus help me") to keep me from snapping like a twig. I am just keeping it real people! I can only be stretched so far! What I hate is that I take my frustration towards one person and spew it on other people, who don't deserve my aggravation dumped upon them. No poor soul really deserves to be the target of my firey arrows, I really should learn to extinguish the fire blazing inside of me before it gets that far.


But I don't!!! I am annoyed! This person is like nails on a chalkboard to me...a constant water drop hitting my forehead! This worst part is this......

As annoyed as I am, I HAVE to deal with this person. I know God has made this person a part of my life and I need to rely on Jesus to show me, Oh dear Lord please show me, how to survive daily life and not erupt like a volcano. Which would just make things worse and oh not to mention, not give God any glory. Help me to pray when I feel like smacking, and have hope that this person can change when all I want to do is strangle. In that case, Lord help me to not do what I want to do!

Letting Go is Hard to Do....

Why is it so hard to let go? I have held on to someone for no other reason except the hope that it might work someday. God has flat out told me that this guy is not the one for me, and I knew that already. But I talked myself into thinking that there was still a possibility with him. Why? I don't even like him all that much....I mean, I like him as a person, sort of, but he has a lot of growing up in God to do. For his own sake, he needs to grow close to God and work on some things in his life. And I need to stay out of the picture, instead of selfishly interjecting myself in between him and God. But as far as personality and character, he is not my ideal man. We both liked each other at some point, I have no idea how he feels about me now. That has a lot to do with it. I want to seek him out and determine how he feels about me so I can decide whether I can move on or not, instead of just obeying God regardless of how this guy feels about me. I have somehow made obedience to God an option. So messed up!

I have to cut myself some slack, though. And realize a lot of my tendencies to hold on to this guy has to do with my human nature, how I was created to be. I am a woman, I want to marry, be loyal to one man, be settled and have kids. Thats a really simple way of putting it, but I truly believe thats how, as a woman, I was created with a simple and purposeful nature. Its hilarious! I go to the mall, and I without thinking, check out guys. I don't check them out in a physical sense....its more of a mental/tribal thing. I am woman. Seeking Man. Must Marry. Must make offspring. It's embarrassing but true. Talking to my childhood friends, we all thought the same thing about guys. There wasn't a single guy we come in contact with that we don't evaluate to see if he's "the one". If they deny it, they are lying! Its our nature, guys check us out to see what we look like, we check out guys to see if they are marriage material. We wouldn't want that shoe salesman at the mall to slip out of our grasp if he happens to be the one! Ha!

So, that being said, I think I held on to this guy because I would rather hold on to the very very slim prospect that he and I could work, then let him go and have no prospects at all. Its very hard to have no possible guys on the line at all. To be single with no idea of when that will change, mean while the "meet man, marry man, make children" anthem is still screaming on the inside. Oh well, what am I to do? Make something work with a guy who isn't the one? Or put my ipod buds in my ears to silence the marriage screams in my head, and get my nose in the Bible and wait it out? I should let go and let God bring me the man of my dreams. I need to acknowledge my womanly tendencies, but realize that they are only good in God's timing.

Summer Goals...

This summer I have some goals in mind:

1) Learn to play guitar....well.

2) Continue working out and getting in shape physically and mentally.

3) Work hard and apply myself to my job with a positive attitude and no complaining!

4) Practice being a good steward, saving money and reeling in my spending.

5) Spend more time with my sister.

6) Spend more time reading and possibly form a book club (always wanted to do that!)

7) Become involved in church and stretch myself out of my comfort zone to do things I know God has asked me to do but have been dragging my feet to do.

8) Continue to practice things I am not great at but am improving on (cooking...)

9) Find ways to bless others and be more others minded.

10) Have a blast visiting with family and friends.

A Definite Keeper....

Last night my best and closest friend had some hard cold truth to lay on me. And it hurt big time....but she was right. I hated hearing what she had to say because her words were so right. I needed to hear them, and I think more specifically I needed to hear them from her. If I heard it from anyone else I don't think it would have had the same effect. I was literally speechless as she talked and a myriad of emotions were running through me, but by the grace of God, I didn't impulsively act on any of them. Knowing myself, that's a true miracle right there!

I admit, I was mad, and wanted to get defensive, but the beauty of the situation is that God was using her words in ways I don't even think my friend knows of. His Spirit was at work through her in a mighty and powerful way. She had boldness to say what needed to be said regardless of how I might react to her words. How I not only love God for that, but how I love my friend! I adore her in every sense of the word. I have always respected her throughout our friendship ( with a few exceptions here and there due to a stressful bridal shower she and I coordinated....and amen and hallelujah we made it through that season of our lives without killing each other), but our conversation last night was a milestone in our friendship. It's very rare in life when someone could talk to me like the way she talked to me, and on my part, not feel completely offended or wounded. I felt convicted, saddened a little bit, but I knew she said it for my well being. Isn't that how God operates with us? I think if you find someone in life who is a reflection of God's behavior, I think you should hang on to that person with all your might. So that's what I'll do...I'm going to hold on to my sweet and precious sister and friend, however much she whips out the truth to smack me around with it, because she's a definite keeper.

The Key to Contentment...

Its truly spectacular what I hear from God when I actually let Him talk. When I stop thinking I know the answers and start asking Him what He thinks, I hear more answers and have less confusion. Things are simple when I operate within God's parameters, instead of giving myself the liberty,to think I know better than God. To act outside of what His Word tells me to do...if the Bible says to think upon what is true and real, why do I think I have the option of not listening? My thoughts are under my control, and I surrender them over to God countless times through out the day. The closer I get to Him, the harder the enemy tries to pull me away, but when I am close to God, I am able to detect the enemy's ploys and stop them in their tracks. I can experience freedom in God because He makes the rules and I abide by them, simple as that.

I have tried new things in my relationship with God...instead of waiting for Him to talk to me or rescue me, I reach out to Him and ask Him to help me fight off whatever is pulling me down. I talk to God, and He talks back. I then don't feel so alone, which helps me battle challenges that come my way on a daily basis. And these days, the enemy wants to try and take me down with loneliness, but I refuse to believe I am alone... I am not alone! I have the almighty Creator living in me, and I am His creation. I am a creature, totally dependent upon God's grace to make it through the day. And that's exactly where He wants me, and I have learned true contentment means living in that place of true reliance upon God. Needing Him in every way, not being able to function apart from Him. I find my strength in His strength, my determination draws from His promises.

Progress Report...

Oh how I have neglected my dear blog!

But I am here now, and I have wonderful news to report....progress! I see progress everywhere! In my relationships with people, in my attitude, in my body! Working out is changing me on the inside and out. I feel good about my body, and its starting to morph and get into shape. Mentally, its awesome to go outside and walk. The neighborhood I live in is amazingly beautiful, the hill country never gets old to look at. I see horses and deer everyday, and its rejuvenating to expose myself to.

As far as relationships go, God really answers prayers. I have struggled with certain people, and recently, God has brought them around. He has shown a bright spotlight on me and made me see how I can be the change I want to see in my relationships. I have learned that no risk means no reward, and if I want rewarding relationships, I have to be able to put myself out there and take risks. Its so freeing! God is incredibly good, He is the king of progress, and He knows how to bring real change to my life...by letting Him be the king of my heart.

Lesson learned on a Saturday afternoon...

Yesterday I went with my church to a grillout for the homeless in downtown Austin. It was my first time doing something like that, and I didn't know what to expect. To be perfectly honest, most of the time I try to avoid homeless people. I don't know how to act around them or what to say. I see them and my heart breaks, but I still have no clue how to relate.

So I went open minded to the grillout, where the crew sent up multiple grills and tables. They cooked up cheeseburgers and served chips and water. I stood at one of the tables with another girl and we collected tickets that were handed out in line to keep the crowd under control. As we stood there collecting tickets, the line moved slowly since it took time for the burgers to cook. Most of the time, people would be standing in front of our table for a few minutes waiting for their food. It gave us a chance to start up conversation with them, or just smile and observe.

I observed a lot that day... there was a mixture of attitudes among the people we saw, some of them had a hard time containing their joy (which I hope came from the Lord and not something else) and some of them were hanging on by a thread. Some were completely falling apart, and some of them, if you didn't see their outward appearance, wouldn't think they were homeless. Regardless, I learned to treat all of them the same. I learned you have to treat all people the same, and I think homeless people in particular want someone to treat them like a normal person. To not tiptoe around them, to look them in the eye, and show them some real love and kindness.

I learned a lot that day...and I was humbled and thankful to be in their presence.

I will not be intimidated...

SO....last saturday my family and I went to Bobcat day, where Texas State was open to new students and their families. It was a fun day,I really enjoyed walking around the campus and just feeling the whole vibe of the place. I also met two of the interior design professors who were really nice guys and talked with me a little bit about the program. One thing I knew about Interior Design is that it is a hard and serious degree, but for some reason people have the wrong idea about it. Like its all about curtains and pillows and its frivolous business. Think again, people! I was reminded when talking to the professors how serious the program is, and how the next few years of my life will be consumed with learning this trade. Bring it on! I am thrilled by the challenge, I am realistic about how much work it will be, and I know it will kick my butt....but come on, thats what school is for. No guts no glory right? I mean, this degree will be a challenge, but the reward is greater. The degree itself is such an amazing investment...I feel like I could have any job I wanted to have and do anything with it that God allows me to do.

I went to school today to meet with an advisor and she basically echoed what the professors had told me. She said its more work than most degrees.But I sat there in that chair listening to her tell me that Interior Design is not for the faint of heart, and I was like saying on the inside "oh, yeah....me and Jesus , we are going to rock out these next few years. With Him I can do all things...and its going to be hard no doubt, but its going to be good, I have Jesus." My heart is not faint...God lives in me! I will not be intimidated!!! Interior Design...here I come.

Loving God With My Mind...

I am reading a book about loving God with all your mind, and I must say, God is using it to change my life.

The other day I had to come to terms with myself about what was going on inside of me. Ever since I was little, I have battled with destructive and dark thoughts, and emotionally I have been unpredictable and out of control. In other words, I struggle with depression. I think it is more spiritual than physical, although I have no doubt that changing my diet and exercising will help me immensely. But I had to recognize that I have a problem....and for the first time get serious about fixing it.

First things first, I looked to God. I have hit rock bottom and been in an emotional pit,feeling like it would take a miracle to get out. So I prayed for a miracle, I prayed so desperately and fervently that God would see my despair and help me. I knew that I had reached my breaking point, that it was time to get serious or otherwise, I would continue to live my life like I have so far, which I refuse to do.

My mom practically forced me to read this book, Elizabeth George's "Loving God With All Your Mind" and I knew right away that God was going to use this book to help me overcome my overwhelming thoughts and destructive behavior. It has spoken to my heart so much since I started reading it, convicting me to the core and giving life changing practices to live by. The best one is reading God's word and not taking it as a suggestion. The verse Phillipians 4:8 says to think about what is true and real. This statement alone rocked my world. I spend so much time dwelling upon things that are not true or real....I get caught up in unforgiveness towards others and myself, living in the future or things I could have done in my past,and second-guessing other peoples intentions and behavior instead of trusting God and BELIEVING. I have to be black and white with myself...God's word is not a suggestion! When it says to only think upon what is true and real He means it, and to give myself the freedom to second guess God's word opens the door for the enemy to get in and fill my mind with things that aren't true. And like the author wrote in her book, "you don't have to feel forgiven to actually be forgiven." Since when did my feelings determine whether God's word is true or not? I am a new creation in Christ, and I can overcome anything and climb out of any pit and enjoy the life God has given me because in Christ I can do anything! I don't have to be tossed around like the waves in the ocean, I can surrender my thoughts to God, believe in His promises, live by His Word, and be free!

Purtiy Redefined...

Right now my mind is tired...and I am not sure why. Why am I so tired?? My bed is calling my name, but I wouldn't be ok going to sleep without visiting my dear blog. Those who know me well would agree with me when I say that when I am tired, my mind wanders....so tonight, instead of fighting the bunny trails, I happily give into them. And my blog is just the place to do that. So that being said....that was a bunny trail in of itself.

Honestly something thats been on my mind for the past couple of days is purity...and how growing up in the church I was taught how to stay physically pure, but in reality, physical purity only scratches the surface of what it means to be pure. Physical purity is a reflection of what is going on inside your heart and mind, and for some reason I allow myself to do things in my heart and in my mind that I would never think ok to do physically. I have given pieces of my heart away, gone further into a relationship mentally than I knew was right. And because it was not physically obvious, I thought somehow I was getting away with something.When God saw my heart the whole time, and knew that the "morals and standards" that I claimed to live by I was mentally cheating on.

I have worn a purity ring since I was 16 years old. I love that ring, its simple and means a lot to me. My mom took me to Sanibel Island for my birthday, just me and her, for a long weekend. She bought me the ring after I picked it out at a silver shop. It was inexpensive but it's special in my mind. I remember my state of mind at 16 years old. I had no idea what wearing that ring actually meant. You would think that at 16 I would have been boy crazy and itching to date. I am sure I went through my typical teenage girl phases (ha! Orlando Bloom as the Elf in Lord of the Rings comes to mind) but nothing seriously challenging. I talked the talk but I had no idea how to walk the walk. It wasn't until I met my first real challenge as an older.....what? girl....or a young woman, maybe. I don't know what you could call me but I had just turned 20 and got my first real job. And it didn't take me but two weeks until my "purity" was challenged. No, I didn't do anything physically I would regret, thank the Lord. But I gave my heart away, and my heart is supposed to belong to God. It wasn't mine to give away. And I was hurt and damaged on the inside, because my heart wasn't 110% given over to God. I didn't put my emotional and mental purity first on my priority list. Now I know myself well enough to know my emotions can't be trusted and its a conscience decision everyday...every moment of everyday...to not let my emotions lead my decisions or let my emotions carry away my heart and mind. I belong to God until He brings me to the right place, time and person and says its ok to give my heart away. I have come to the place where I am not interested in a relationship, because I want what God wants for me, so I am not interested in just any relationship, I want the RIGHT relationship.

So when I look at my purity ring, it means so much more than not making out...it means holding on tight to my heart.

Call Dr.Phil Somebody...

Why do I try to fix everything? I can't seem to help myself.I am constantly saying I am sorry and trying to fix things that I think I have made wrong. I tend to make situations a bigger deal than they actually are, and then I feel incredibly guilty. Maybe the problem is that I make everything about me....

I spend too much time thinking about what other people think of me, which isn't their problem, its mine. This can put strain on relationships, in fact it does most of the time. I am insecure with myself so I am constantly second guessing other people's intentions and actions. I make mountains out of molehills when it comes to things I have done, I tend to be too hard on myself. I tear myself apart and think other people are doing the same, but they probably aren't, but even if they are, I can't do anything about it.

But like I said, I try to fix everything..like I want to clear up anything and make things right when they weren't even wrong to begin with. I will find things to apologize for just to make sure that people don't have anything to be mad at me for. Because I wouldn't want people to be mad at me secretly and waiting for me to come to them and apologize! I am exhausting myself just writing this! Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I be happy and not read into people's behavior? For example, I haven't talked to one of my best friends in a couple of days, and when I talked to her the last few times, she seemed to be a little withdrawn. Immediately my insecurity kicks in, and my mind starts to think she is pulling away from me and doesn't want to talk. On the other hand, I know she is probably very busy with school and the semester wrapping up. But she is not acting like herself, that I know. and deep down, I am afraid...afraid of losing her friendship, and for some reason I think I have to hold on to her for dear life or I will lose her. And I always think its something that I did, that I pushed her away, or I do something that makes her not want to talk to me. What is my problem? Normally, I would apologize the next time I talk to her. But more than likely, she is busy and not even thinking anything like that....and this is a perfect example of everything I just wrote about myself. I am lucky to even have friends....

Lovely Way to Spend Half an Hour...

This afternoon I took my four year old sister outside to have tea. I spread a tablecloth out on the front yard and we sat under a cloudless blue sky. I knew a pretend tea with my sister's set would be ok, but having something tangible to play with is much better. So I borrowed my mom's teapot and two tea cups and filled the pot with pink lemonade. I grabbed my sister's favorite treat, yogurt covered pretzels, and took all of our tea time goods outside with us. My sister was thrilled...

It didn't take much for her to be impressed. She kept saying things like "this is a wonderful idea to have a tea party" and "its such a beautiful day today." My heart melted by how sweet she was. She wanted to pour me my "tea" and made sure my cup was never empty. We talked about getting a kite, how all caterpillars turn into butterflies (which was brought up in our conversation upon seeing a yellow butterfly), and we played "I spy", which she has become very good at.

We sat outside for about half an hour, talking and sipping our pink lemonade. Occasionally she would stretch out on the sheet and put her head on my lap. She was so careful not to accidentally knock over or spill her drink, and politely asked me every time she wanted a pretzel. I tried to teach her how to hold her tea cup with her pinky finger up, but that only resulted with a confused look on her face and me chuckling on the inside.

It was by far the best half hour I have had in a long time.

Lifestyle does not equate to life....

Moving to a new place is hard! I have learned in this past month how adapted I was to my old lifestyle, and how difficult it is to truly let go and change. I became comfortable in my routine and being in a totally different environment has made me very aware of how used to my routine I became. I got used to doing things a certain way, and I truly believe that God has put me here so that I can learn that my lifestyle was not necessarily my life.

I live in a place now thats almost opposite of where I used to live. And like a spoiled brat, I find myself complaining internally and constantly comparing the two places. I know God has put me here...but I am dragging my feet and making a "big stink" about it. WHY? What good will that do? I am acting like Jonah...instead of just going and doing what I know God has told me to do and making efforts to enjoy it, I am mentally (like God doesn't know what I am thinking?) having a bad attitude. Like yesterday, I had to run a few errands by myself and for the first time in a long time, I had no idea where I was going and needed very specific directions to get to the places I needed to go. I found myself sitting in my car, annoyed by the fact that I had no sense of direction, no real idea of where I was going. Everything was foreign to me, and the sense that I didn't feel at home in my new neighborhood was unsettling. I wanted my cozy and comfy old life, where I knew the hood like the back of my hand and didn't need any direction. Maybe God wants me here so that I can learn to take direction or that I can be dependent upon His direction? I am revealing lessons to myself as I write!

The truth is...my old lifestyle, my comfort zone, is not my life's calling. God did not put me on this Earth so that I could be comfortable! He will not ask me in Heaven, "Did you live your life to fullest? Were you comfy and cozy?"....NO! God works the most in our discomfort. Living life does not mean that your lifestyle is what you want ! It means you make the most in your life out of what you have, out of what God gives you. Its like the saying goes.."If life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Well, in my stinky attitude I may think life is handing me lemons, but here's a grand idea...maybe I should drop the attitude!

Model Behavior....

This morning my mom, the most brilliant person I know, told me that I shouldn't let other people's action alter my own and that my behavior is not contingent upon the behavior of other people. This is such a freeing statement!By freeing, I mean this- we decide in our minds that we are going to act a certain way and no matter what people may do it will not change our determined behavior. We can be steady as a rock, motionless, steadfast. Nothing can sway us, that is, if we can anchor ourselves to the Rock Himself, Jesus Christ.

As humans, we are not capable of doing this on our own. We were made to be dependent upon God. God purposely puts difficult situations and people in our lives so that we can learn to depend on Him and make the choice everyday to follow Him.We cannot make other people our source of strength, because people will let us down. But the beautiful thing about relying on God to be your strength is that when people let you down, make you angry, hurt your feelings, and try to tear you apart, the list could go on forever.....it will not sway you! Your identity is in Christ!

The thing that keeps me from experiencing this freedom is that I don't make things black and white in my mind. I, speaking from ongoing experience, will rely on my feelings to determine my behavior. I will make things gray in my mind,I will try to "fix" people, try to make things better in my own strength, and then the mess ensues...

So the lesson I have learned is this, make things black and white, don't leave room for what "I feel" like doing, and modeling my behavior after Christ's will bring me ultimate freedom! The choice is mine....let other people's behavior rule my life? Or experience the unconditional love, joy, patience, and kindness that comes when I become an imitator of Christ?

The Art of Waiting...

Waiting is the hardest thing to do. It is difficult to wait upon God to act even though I know He is faithful to fulfill His promises. God takes His word seriously. He doesn't say things that He doesn't mean. Maybe it's hard to understand how God's character works because it is so different than our own. God is not human! He doesn't struggle with flakiness and unreliability, if anything, God is waiting on me to trust Him so that He can work in my life. So all this time I spend thinking I am waiting upon the Lord to act, He is actually waiting for me!

I have seen God act in my life. I can honestly point to many things that have happened and say they were direct results of God delivering on what He said He was going to do. The road may have been treacherous and longer than I expected, but ultimately God brought me to the place He wanted me to be. And yet, like a little child, I am here again asking Him how long will I have to wait. I am constantly reminded of the relationship I have with God through my little sister. She, as darling as she is, struggles with impatience. I get impatient with her impatience! Thankfully, God is not human and doesn't loose his cool with me like I, as sad as it is to admit, lose my cool with my sister. God wants us to wait because the people we can become through waiting will make us better prepared for what we are waiting for! I want to be married, and God knows it's one of the strongest desires of my heart. He also knows the person I want to be before I get married, and He and I are working on it. I am confident that He will deliver the right husband if I am willing to wait and become the right wife. All good things come in God's timing, not my own!

Growing Pains...

I have lived In Texas for a month now, and its been an experience to say the least. There is nothing like living out of your comfort zone, being in a new environment. The one thing that has made this past month the hardest is knowing that its permanent. I am not on vacation, where normally you leave and enjoy being somewhere different for a change because in the back of your mind you know you will return to home. No, this is the real deal. I will be here for as long as God keeps me here. Who knows how long that will be? Its terrifying and exciting all at the same time.With an emphasis on the terrifying...

My mom, the wisest person I know, described our moving situation to me like this. Its like when you are a kid and your feet are still growing. You have a favorite pair of shoes that you can't wear anymore because they don't fit. You still love the shoes...but the facts don't change. They don't fit anymore. As much as I hate to admit it, because the kid in me is still clinging to my favorite pair of shoes, Florida didn't fit anymore. I still love Calvary Chapel Ft.Lauderdale, I still love my best friends, I still love the beach...South Florida will always hold a special place in my heart. It still feels like home in a lot ways. But it was good for a season, just like my favorite pair of shoes...

Gratefulness...

I started wondering at church tonight if I live my life with gratitude. If someone had to describe my life in one word, would they use the word gratitude? It encompasses so much. I think its a lifestyle more than certain word usage. Its more of an attitude than simply saying thanks all of the time. Does God look at my life and think that I am grateful? The Bible says that you will know a tree by its fruit. Do my actions speak louder than my words? Just because I say thank you, do my actions say something else entirely?

Think about it... if we are thankful for all God gives us in life, it means we are content. We don't ask for more unless we believe God wants us to, and we don't think we should have less than God gives us because that would mean we somehow know what we need more than God does. If we are thankful, then His grace, mercy, and sacrifice would be enough. Complete satisfaction in who we are in God, thankful for our bodies, our minds, our gifts and talents. We wouldn't pick ourselves apart, doubt God's will, or try to rush it. We would simply be thankful.

Gratitude is such a heavy word. Its not a quality you can fake as a Christian. As I was wondering tonight, I thought to myself..." If I am truly thankful for the Cross, why do I continually act like its not enough? Because if it was enough, my actions would convey that message." It's easy to say thanks, it's harder to live it.

People Watching....

Today my mom and I participated in a community garage sale. I helped her set up the tables at our neighborhood's clubhouse and get all of our "junk" spread out. The sale started at 8 this morning, and like clockwork, people showed up and flocked to the tables. I was only going to stay for a few minutes, just long enough to help set up, but I decided to hang out with my mom and keep her company. Also, I thoroughly enjoy people watching. In fact, I love it.

If it weren't so cold outside today, I think I could have stood at that table and watched people "hunt" all day. The way they approach the table, scan it slowly and methodically, walking by ever so casually, and decide whether they like what they see on display. Maybe its so funny to watch at a garage sale because its your stuff they are deciding if they want or not. Its like it was good enough for you at one time, will they decide if its good for them now? I love how people stare at something, pick it up, examine it , and I am sure they will buy it...but then to my surprise they set it down. I wish I could hear the dialogue inside a person's head....

Why is it so fun and entertaining to people watch? Is it because human behavior is so predictable and irrational at the same time? For example, several people today bought real junk from other tables, probably spending five dollars on three pieces of worthlessness, because in their mind they are getting three things for five dollars. But at our table, where the "junk" was potterybarn and southern living stuff we didn't need anymore, five dollars for one vase was simply too much.

Maybe I am majoring in the wrong degree.....

I need to work on that....

I am a stinky sinner. No seriously, I am a fallen human being full of really repulsive sin. Ugliness has been oozing out of me lately, and even worse than that, I have become aware of it!

Its a terrible thing when you realize just how "not all together" you are. I have been a Christian the majority of my life, and yet I am SO not together. Recently, it seems like everyday is a golden opportunity to show me how imperfect I am. I think thats what keeps me from blogging.....I am terrified to see my dark thoughts written for all to see. But yet, I will write, because admittance is the first step to recovery (no, people, I promise I didn't learn that from AA).

These days, I have been struggling with annoyance. Certain people have just flat out been annoying me. Then I noticed that the people's behavior I have been annoyed with is stuff that I do on a regular basis.I do that so much! I get mad with other people for doing the exact same things that I do. I am annoyed with myself! Its a vicious cycle and it has hurt friendships and relationships with my family.The conviction has really set in. And conviction is only as good as what you do with it. So recently I find myself saying "I need to work on that" a lot. Thankfully I have friends and certain family members who love me and patiently correct me while I am going through this phase. I am tired of smelling my own stink!