Who needs a boyfriend when you have best friends?

Is it possible to burst at the seams from love? Sometimes I think it is.I am having one of those moments. My heart is exceedingly blessed. God gives me so much more than I could ever deserve, and so often I stop and think of how loved and showered upon I am.

Right now my bestest friend is chatting politics with my mom. So I bowed out to give them some space, mostly because I love hearing my friend and my mom talk. Its so interesting to sit back and just listen. I get to talk to both of them separately all the time, so I enjoy getting out of the equation and letting them talk with out me in the middle. Its fun to me. It warms my heart.

I feel like I could die tomorrow and my life would have been successful. I have friends that have my back no matter what and know me inside and out. They are my family, and my life is overflowing with joy because of them. They are my lifetime friends, the kind that I will share my nursing home room with, and we will sit around and knit and recall the days we traveled together and the roads we went down (physically and spiritually). We will pull out our photo albums and laptops and check our facebook pages (I like to think we will be cool grandmas).

Between now and that time, I believe we will get married (for the two of us that are single) and share our weddings (Kate, oooh....it will be payback for you, sister). We will vacation together (Disney....always Disney). And we will have families and our kids will grow up together. We are a family, my friends and I, the kind of family that wasn't put together by blood, but chooses to be together in love. I am blessed...I have three sisters. One is biological. Two are just as close. My heart is their heart. Their heart is mine. I have so much gratitude that God put us together....He saw the big picture. He knew the ways we would need each other, even though we didn't necessarily know at the time.

Isn't God wonderful?

My heart is full. I thank God for His goodness.

My Heart is Full...

I am having one of those moments where I sit back and think of my life. And how blessed I am, how full my heart feels. Its an inexplicable feeling if joy and contentedness.

My brother is coming home from Afghanistan in about a week and a half, and he is expecting his first child in august. I am so happy to be seeing him, I feel like he and I will be starting a new chapter in our relationship.

I am going to see my sister in law, Melissa, next week for her baby shower. I am glad to finally be spending some real time with her.

My (what could I possibly call her?) best friend and sister Michelle is flying here today and I am just killing time until she gets here and I have her for a week (writing helps me from coming out of my skin with excitement).

I am sitting here with the ability to use my mom's computer and blog, meanwhile listening to the new coldplay cd on my ipod.

I have an amazing family, my sister is my sunshine and she and I are chilling at the house right now.

God has blessed me with a great church since we moved here, and God knew how much I needed a church here, more than anything. And we found that right away.

Through church I have met Jillian, my new friend, and I like her so much. I am almost afraid to tell her how much I like her because I don't want her to think I am a weirdo. But she and I click. I am blessed to have a friend here. And I genuinely think we will be good friends. And we are going to be camp counselors together....fun!

I am really feeling at home here in Texas, thanks to these things. I am believing in God's promises and realizing that God really has the best for those who believe and wait and trust in Him. Isaiah 64:4!!!

So my heart is full..here in this moment I acknowledge God for lavishing His goodness upon me and giving me the life I have. I am truly thankful, there is nothing I could ever do to deserve His grace and blessings.

I wanna live in the Joy.....

Right now my head is pounding and I am groggy. I have cried a lot over the past two days. I have tried to get off of caffiene, but I am happily letting go of that ambition. Right now is not the time to do that. One of my dogs passed away the other day, and I did not take it lightly.

The first day was hard, the second day was better because I had a busy day and was distracted. Today, I need to clean my house, because my friend and partner in crime is coming to stay with me for a week. And I am beyond thrilled.So yes I am sad, but everyday life helps keep me from dwelling on the sadness.

Right now, I have so many thoughts going through my head it would be hard to write just about one. SO, that being said, this will be a culmination of my many thoughts. Here we go....

Like I said, my dog just passed away. And it makes me think about when my first dog died, and how hard that hit me. I think for so long I didn't know how to handle anything difficult that came my way, and I have come a long way since that time. I look back at the person I was, and honestly I don't know that person anymore.This morning I went back and read some of my old blog posts, from when I first moved, and I don't recognize that person. God has worked in me in so many ways. I feel liberated of the things I struggled with for most of my life, and I still struggle, but I know how to work through it and not get lost in it. By God's grace, He has saved me, and helped me.

One thing thats being weighing on my mind is my last blog post. I cannot live one day longer with this anger. Talking to a friend on the phone the other day about her anger only triple confirmed how badly I need to lose mine. So I did. I made the choice not to be angry anymore. Its not my place to judge my dad, he is simply human and struggling like we all are, and he is also a son of God. God will deal with him, and I need to love him like God does. It will take baby steps, but the other day, in my heartbreak from my dog's death, I hugged my dad, really hugged him, because I needed him. I need my dad. I love him. And I let the enemy trip me up into this anger, thinking my anger would hurt my dad, and yes, it hurt him....but it hurt me more. God cannot use an angry person. And no one wants to be around an angry person. I thought for so long that someone would "make" me angry.....no one "makes" me angry! I have chosen to be angry. Not any more. I refuse to let the enemy hold me captive one more with this false sense if righteousness over someone else. Enough!

And on a lighter note...life is sweet. God has blessed me so much. And my perspective on life changes when I focus on how blessed I am. I am loved by God. I have great family and friends. There is joy in everyday life. I want to throw away this stupid "I have a reason to be mad all the time", and live in the joy of God's liberation!

Reoccurring Theme...

The message of Love is coming at me from a million different directions. I am doing a Bible study where we examined 1 Corinthians 13 "the Love chapter", and I just read an amazing life altering book, "The Shack", which is about God's character and His Love. This past Saturday I spent the day just hanging with my mom and aunt, and we watched the musical Annie (a story of love and redemption, as well as father-daughter love ) and then followed that up with A Little Princess, one of the best movies EVER. It also is about love, how a father and daughter share a deep love for each other, and how this love keeps the little girl, even in the darkest of circumstances, believing that she and all girls are princesses.

I struggle with my relationship with my dad. Its hurting in a lot of ways. To me, he is my "unloveable person", I simply don't know how to do it. In an attempt to keep myself from getting hurt, I have put up my guard around him, and am now feelingless. I refuse to get hurt, I have spent too much time being hurt and upset...now I just have rage. I fill up with anger and try live and operate within my anger. Its all directed towards him. And Lord forbid he does something that pokes me in the least bit way, because the fury will start to leak out. And its not pretty....
The thought of loving my Dad, really loving him like God asks me to, would require an out of body experience for me, to live beyond myself.

Hold up....isn't that what God asks us to do? To live outside of ourselves??

Part of my being able to love my dad, is understanding Gods love for me. If you have not read "The Shack", RUN to the bookstore and buy it. Don't live another day without reading it. It personalizes God and it changed my entire outlook on Him. Its truly indescribable. I finished it last night and tears were flowing. I think I have heard so many of the love "catch phrases" about God that they have lost their meaning. Yes, I know God is love....but what does that mean? I still have this warped view of who He is and my ideas of how he operates have clouded any illusion I might have that God is entirely love. I have let my experience with humans and my own judgements lead me to think that God's love is like our love....conditional, disappointing, superficial, moody, selfish...the list could go on. The thought that God NEVER stops loving me, that God not only loves me, but is IN love with me, is miraculous. He loves me and treasures me like I adore my little sister. I look at her and my heart goes out to her when she is so mad and her behavior gets in the way of what she could have. I want her to stop her tantrum so she can have the special treat, I am not angry with her or love her any less because she is "bad" sometimes. I think she is cute and funny...and I don't know how to say it but....I don't just love her, I LIKE her. And to think that God feels that way about me...is mind blowing. He is never disappointed in me, He genuinely likes me...He loves me.

One More Thought...

Just to add to my last post, I think we all want to be prioritized. To feel special in someone's eyes. To be not only needed, but wanted. And I like I said before, people will be able to offer that to us to some extent, but if only God graciously allows them to. People will always disappoint us, and that should be ok. Our reliance isn't upon them. Our reliance upon God is the only way for us to truly pour out to other people, and for them to be able to pour into us. Its sometimes hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that God will never leave or forsake us, He will never fail or disappoint us. And the more we draw from Him, the more we can pour out onto other people, without letting our disappointment in human nature get in the way of what God can accomplish through us. My best friends can't fulfill me, nor should they have to. They are just as human as I am. We are not perfect, but because God lives and works in all of us, we can love each other despite our flaws. In fact, our flaws are an opportunity for us to show each other grace and love. We might drive each other crazy, not understand each other's wacky deeply rooted psychological issues, second guess where we stand with each other, and battle our insecurities while trying to keep our friendship alive.....but who cares? Its a part of life, and you just don't give up on people just because your friendship brings out just how really human you are. You thank God you have these people who love you regardless.
Its that simple.

Ice cream on top of a Big Brownie"

Its amazing to me how much all of us are the same. We all want love and security. We want to be treasured and adored, and most of the time we look to people to be our source of validation. We were created to need, created to desire these things, to want to be fulfilled. There is no sense in denying it. I know people personally that claim to "not be needy", but I think its the people who think they don't need are the ones who need the most, they just aren't honest with themselves. In reality, we are made by God to be needy creatures. But He wants us to be needy of Him, and Him alone. This doesn't mean we walk through life with an independent "I don't need people" spirit, it means we find absolute fulfillment in God, and whatever else He puts in our life thats an extension of His all consuming, all fulfilling love for us (friends, family, etc.) is an OVERFLOW of an already full cup. Our cups should be filled to the brim with peace, security, and overall comfort in what God thinks of us. And we should be thankful for the wonderful relationships He puts in our lives, enjoying friendships as they are without putting so much pressure on them because they aren't what "fills our cup"....they are the overflow,the blessings God gives us so that His love can be displayed through them.

How I myself have looked to people to determine my role in life, my source of validation, when they, by their natural design, cannot be! They are mere humans, as I am, and we let our insecurities and second guessing spoil our relationships by trying to fit the person into the wrong role. A square (person) cannot fit into a round hole (God). And if we all were secure in God and thought of ourselves like God thought of us, looked to Him to know who we are in life, think of how our relationships would flourish! We would be able to enjoy each other without being tossed around with the waves. Our human behavior is all over the place, and when we dwell with God, the almighty rock and fortress, all of a sudden others' behavior (and even our own behavior!) doesn't rule or consume us! The we are freed up to show people (and ourselves) grace and not live our lives making judgements of other people, because we are secure in God. Because we know who we are, we now can see other people as they are.

And when my sweet, sweet, loveable and endearing friend, that I treasure so much that she can hardly know, shares her heart with me in a much needed phone conversation, I realized how much the same person not only she and I are, but people in general. Our feelings are not wrong (God put them in us!).....its our application of the feeling. We all want to be loved, so if we let ourselves be loved by God to the point of absolute fulfillment, we won't have to depend upon the love that comes from people to make us whole. We will already be whole, and whatever additional love God wants to shower on us through the form of relationships, will only be what I would like to call " the ice cream on top of a big brownie"...it takes whats already good on its own and makes it even better. God is that good.

My Thoughts on My Mom...

Something occurred to me the other night after my mom and I left the woman's bible study our church is having. It was our first night of study, and all the ladies went around the circle and introduced themselves. My mom and I weren't sitting next to each other, and it was my turn first. As I introduced myself to the group, I also mentioned that Ginger was my mom and pointed her out. And the response was the normal response...."There is no way she is your mom!"..."you don't look old enough to have her!" ....(looking at me now) "How old are you?"....

And its one thing to be shocked, but its another thing to keep on going with it. Ok, people, be shocked for like five seconds, and then get over it.

I should be used to it, part of me is...because Ginger and I have gotten that response since I moved to Florida to live with her and my dad. My Ginger has always loved and treated me like her daughter...I am her daughter. She is my mom. We have had none of that stepmom- stepdaughter nonsense. Ever.

What I love about my mom is how she doesn't care what people think. Even after she told people I was her daughter, and they make some stupid comment, she never follows up with " well, she's my stepdaughter" to ease people's mental strain. She just lets them go ahead and strain themselves trying to figure us out. Its awesome...I love her so much.

But after Bible study the other night, what occurred to me is how some people might think negatively of her. Like she might have had me at fifteen years old. And you know people are trying to count the years in their mind....(" ok if you are twenty and you are 35 then you must have had her at......oh my"). But that doesn't phase my mom at all, she would rather people think she had me at fifteen than that I am her step daughter. Even as I write it the tears start to flow.

And I would just like to say....people need to mind their own damn business. I mean, seriously. Their need to satisfy their own selfish curiousity could be causing pain to other people. If my mom had me at fifteen, if she adopted me, or whatever our story is, if its not offered to you, then why try to figure it out? Thank God that I am not hurt over my past, instead I am rejoicing over where God has taken me and where He has brought me. I am just amazed at people's lack of sensitivity and consideration. Lord knows my situation has changed the way I look at people and their situations, not make hasty judgements.