The Coolest Girl....

Sometimes I wish I could have a video recorder in my hand at all times. My sister is such a funny girl, and so many little moments happen every day that I want to remember forever. I treasure that little girl. She is so awesome and naturally, no four year old holds a candle to her. My life would be very sad without her. What fun she makes everyday life out to be. For example, she comes to me tonight and says...."I have three questions. You didn't put on the movie I wanted, You didn't make the broccoli right, and I want a sippy full of water." Hilarious! She is mean at all, more spunky than nasty. And the girl knows how to be sweet. I am in serious trouble, because she, just being her natural self, makes me want to give her whatever she wants.

Don't get me wrong, she drives me crazy. And despite our age difference (almost 17 years) we have a very typical sister sibling relationship. We squabble and converse as if we were a year apart. I love every second of it though. Whats amazing to me is that she and I are the same amount of years apart as my mom, Ginger, and I are. And I think about how much I love my mom and how my relationship with her is such an irreplaceable one. My mom is truly my favorite person. And I believe my sister and I will have a similar relationship that my mom and I have. Its like a circle of love and friendship that will continue through my sister and I. God is truly good. I love my brother, Jason, who is four years older than me, but I think God knew I needed another sibling. He could have given me one closer to my age, but I like what He gave me. I can't imagine it any other way. My sister is one of the very best things to happen to me. I love her in every sense of the word. My mom, my sister and I are the best of friends, and I am lucky and thankful to God that I am a part of such an awesome trio.

Observation...

Growing up, I decided to not date. I still practice that today, truly believing this time in my life is for the Lord, family, and friends..and school. Lots of school.

It seems like every person has their own idea of what it means to not date. I have observed so much about this growing up in a large church with a large youth group, and still today, with my small group of friends that have stuck with me through the awkward youth group years into the college-age time of life. So anyways this is my observation- it is always so much easier to follow your convictions (choosing not to date and stay focused on other things) if you tiptoe around the boundaries you have set for yourself. For example, if you are a guy, and surround yourself with a bunch of girls to be your friends (even if there are a few guys mixed in the bunch), its easier to be "single" because you still have the female presence in your life and all that entails (flirtation).

The same is pretty much true with girls. I have made that mistake in the past (like two weeks ago....ha!) where "liking" a guy has helped me get over the fact that I can't/not supposed to date him. Because my heart wasn't truly in my convictions! At some point, I knew what I was suppose to believe, the technicalities, but as far as how that applied to my life...I had lost touch. The facts are this, its almost IMPOSSIBLE to have a non-flirtatious friendship with opposite sex. I personally don't even want to bother trying....whats the point? If anything it makes us more confused because the friendship/dating line can become easily misunderstood and what was once black and white becomes muddled. I feel like more harm than good comes out of guy/girl friendships.....even in groups. The fact is that God created men and women to enjoy each other's presence, but its only the best to enjoy the opposite sex's company in marriage, at the right time in life. And as a young person, when this is the hardest for us, why do we determine that co-mingling is ok for us? Because its too extreme to only limit our friends to the same sex? Or is it because hanging out with the opposite sex lessens the sting of our chosen singleness? I ask myself these questions all the time, for myself and other people. I see guys I knew from growing up say that their relationship with the Lord is better than ever, they are more focused that ever, more content...and yet, they are fooling around with these female friend relationships. How can that be? As for myself, there's NO way that I can be close with the Lord when my mind is on some guy, either in a stupid "liking" way (which is completely self serving) or in a friends way. Maybe that is the best way to describe it.....self serving. This is the time in our young lives where we should be about other people, how can we serve others? And yet, it seems like we are more preoccupied with finding loopholes in our convictions.. "Its ok to be friends with the opposite sex as long as we are in groups", etc. Oh, I am tired of hearing the group excuse! Like no flirtation or fence-walking goes on in groups, Puh leez! Groups only make what goes on in a one on one situation seem ok, because you are in a group of people its better? And I am guilty of this myself....I don't know, I am just tired of the double standards. In myself, in other people. We could be doing so much more, giving so much more of ourselves, and to me, it looks like young people have gotten caught up in this "what feels good to us" game. What feels good to us is holding us back!Its been holding me back and its time to stop walking the fence and pick a side.

And on another note, as a young woman, a guy who has a bunch of "girl" friends has no chance with me! Sister don't think so!!!

Banging my Head against the wall...

I am having one of those days.....EVERYTHING is driving me crazy. I am ultra sensitive and its like my nerve endings are exposed and it doesn't take much for something to agitate me. I admit, I am not the most patient person, but I do try though.And then in the face of my efforts, people come my way and drive me bonkers. I have this one person in particular, a close family member of mine, that I want to strangle sometimes. It takes absolute reliance on Jesus, prayers that almost sound like chanting ("Jesus help me, Jesus help me, Jesus help me") to keep me from snapping like a twig. I am just keeping it real people! I can only be stretched so far! What I hate is that I take my frustration towards one person and spew it on other people, who don't deserve my aggravation dumped upon them. No poor soul really deserves to be the target of my firey arrows, I really should learn to extinguish the fire blazing inside of me before it gets that far.


But I don't!!! I am annoyed! This person is like nails on a chalkboard to me...a constant water drop hitting my forehead! This worst part is this......

As annoyed as I am, I HAVE to deal with this person. I know God has made this person a part of my life and I need to rely on Jesus to show me, Oh dear Lord please show me, how to survive daily life and not erupt like a volcano. Which would just make things worse and oh not to mention, not give God any glory. Help me to pray when I feel like smacking, and have hope that this person can change when all I want to do is strangle. In that case, Lord help me to not do what I want to do!

Letting Go is Hard to Do....

Why is it so hard to let go? I have held on to someone for no other reason except the hope that it might work someday. God has flat out told me that this guy is not the one for me, and I knew that already. But I talked myself into thinking that there was still a possibility with him. Why? I don't even like him all that much....I mean, I like him as a person, sort of, but he has a lot of growing up in God to do. For his own sake, he needs to grow close to God and work on some things in his life. And I need to stay out of the picture, instead of selfishly interjecting myself in between him and God. But as far as personality and character, he is not my ideal man. We both liked each other at some point, I have no idea how he feels about me now. That has a lot to do with it. I want to seek him out and determine how he feels about me so I can decide whether I can move on or not, instead of just obeying God regardless of how this guy feels about me. I have somehow made obedience to God an option. So messed up!

I have to cut myself some slack, though. And realize a lot of my tendencies to hold on to this guy has to do with my human nature, how I was created to be. I am a woman, I want to marry, be loyal to one man, be settled and have kids. Thats a really simple way of putting it, but I truly believe thats how, as a woman, I was created with a simple and purposeful nature. Its hilarious! I go to the mall, and I without thinking, check out guys. I don't check them out in a physical sense....its more of a mental/tribal thing. I am woman. Seeking Man. Must Marry. Must make offspring. It's embarrassing but true. Talking to my childhood friends, we all thought the same thing about guys. There wasn't a single guy we come in contact with that we don't evaluate to see if he's "the one". If they deny it, they are lying! Its our nature, guys check us out to see what we look like, we check out guys to see if they are marriage material. We wouldn't want that shoe salesman at the mall to slip out of our grasp if he happens to be the one! Ha!

So, that being said, I think I held on to this guy because I would rather hold on to the very very slim prospect that he and I could work, then let him go and have no prospects at all. Its very hard to have no possible guys on the line at all. To be single with no idea of when that will change, mean while the "meet man, marry man, make children" anthem is still screaming on the inside. Oh well, what am I to do? Make something work with a guy who isn't the one? Or put my ipod buds in my ears to silence the marriage screams in my head, and get my nose in the Bible and wait it out? I should let go and let God bring me the man of my dreams. I need to acknowledge my womanly tendencies, but realize that they are only good in God's timing.

Summer Goals...

This summer I have some goals in mind:

1) Learn to play guitar....well.

2) Continue working out and getting in shape physically and mentally.

3) Work hard and apply myself to my job with a positive attitude and no complaining!

4) Practice being a good steward, saving money and reeling in my spending.

5) Spend more time with my sister.

6) Spend more time reading and possibly form a book club (always wanted to do that!)

7) Become involved in church and stretch myself out of my comfort zone to do things I know God has asked me to do but have been dragging my feet to do.

8) Continue to practice things I am not great at but am improving on (cooking...)

9) Find ways to bless others and be more others minded.

10) Have a blast visiting with family and friends.

A Definite Keeper....

Last night my best and closest friend had some hard cold truth to lay on me. And it hurt big time....but she was right. I hated hearing what she had to say because her words were so right. I needed to hear them, and I think more specifically I needed to hear them from her. If I heard it from anyone else I don't think it would have had the same effect. I was literally speechless as she talked and a myriad of emotions were running through me, but by the grace of God, I didn't impulsively act on any of them. Knowing myself, that's a true miracle right there!

I admit, I was mad, and wanted to get defensive, but the beauty of the situation is that God was using her words in ways I don't even think my friend knows of. His Spirit was at work through her in a mighty and powerful way. She had boldness to say what needed to be said regardless of how I might react to her words. How I not only love God for that, but how I love my friend! I adore her in every sense of the word. I have always respected her throughout our friendship ( with a few exceptions here and there due to a stressful bridal shower she and I coordinated....and amen and hallelujah we made it through that season of our lives without killing each other), but our conversation last night was a milestone in our friendship. It's very rare in life when someone could talk to me like the way she talked to me, and on my part, not feel completely offended or wounded. I felt convicted, saddened a little bit, but I knew she said it for my well being. Isn't that how God operates with us? I think if you find someone in life who is a reflection of God's behavior, I think you should hang on to that person with all your might. So that's what I'll do...I'm going to hold on to my sweet and precious sister and friend, however much she whips out the truth to smack me around with it, because she's a definite keeper.

The Key to Contentment...

Its truly spectacular what I hear from God when I actually let Him talk. When I stop thinking I know the answers and start asking Him what He thinks, I hear more answers and have less confusion. Things are simple when I operate within God's parameters, instead of giving myself the liberty,to think I know better than God. To act outside of what His Word tells me to do...if the Bible says to think upon what is true and real, why do I think I have the option of not listening? My thoughts are under my control, and I surrender them over to God countless times through out the day. The closer I get to Him, the harder the enemy tries to pull me away, but when I am close to God, I am able to detect the enemy's ploys and stop them in their tracks. I can experience freedom in God because He makes the rules and I abide by them, simple as that.

I have tried new things in my relationship with God...instead of waiting for Him to talk to me or rescue me, I reach out to Him and ask Him to help me fight off whatever is pulling me down. I talk to God, and He talks back. I then don't feel so alone, which helps me battle challenges that come my way on a daily basis. And these days, the enemy wants to try and take me down with loneliness, but I refuse to believe I am alone... I am not alone! I have the almighty Creator living in me, and I am His creation. I am a creature, totally dependent upon God's grace to make it through the day. And that's exactly where He wants me, and I have learned true contentment means living in that place of true reliance upon God. Needing Him in every way, not being able to function apart from Him. I find my strength in His strength, my determination draws from His promises.

Progress Report...

Oh how I have neglected my dear blog!

But I am here now, and I have wonderful news to report....progress! I see progress everywhere! In my relationships with people, in my attitude, in my body! Working out is changing me on the inside and out. I feel good about my body, and its starting to morph and get into shape. Mentally, its awesome to go outside and walk. The neighborhood I live in is amazingly beautiful, the hill country never gets old to look at. I see horses and deer everyday, and its rejuvenating to expose myself to.

As far as relationships go, God really answers prayers. I have struggled with certain people, and recently, God has brought them around. He has shown a bright spotlight on me and made me see how I can be the change I want to see in my relationships. I have learned that no risk means no reward, and if I want rewarding relationships, I have to be able to put myself out there and take risks. Its so freeing! God is incredibly good, He is the king of progress, and He knows how to bring real change to my life...by letting Him be the king of my heart.