I am Needy and Happy to Be

I admitted something to myself the other day.

What I thought I wanted...I don't really want.

I am not ready to do many of the things that I thought I could muster myself ready for. The things I thought I wanted, I am simply not ready for them. For example, I have wanted to move out of my parents house for awhile now. I wanted to "feel" independent, put some space between me and my parents, and learn how to live outside of this life I have now. Learn how to live on my own. And I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to learn how to live on my own. Living on your own is highly overrated. I am not talking about mooching off my parents, what I mean is that I want to live my life with my family in the center of it. Its good to live with family, it teaches me to not have myself and my needs on the forefront of my mind. Living with my family means we operate as a family, and its a daily reminder to put myself last. Its give and take. And I never want to lose touch with that just because I want to live on my own. I think people have trouble in life because they put themselves first and they get comfortable living with only having to take care of themselves. I thinks thats a sad and dangerous place to be. I think its caused the divorce rate to be as high as it is. We have too many people in this world with their independence aka "selfishness" destroying their chances of having a selfless and happy marriage.

I have always felt weak for living with my parents. Or at least people have tried to make me feel that way. And I stupidly listened. Because living with my family has made me such a better person and it continues to reveal my flaws everyday. I am not left alone to become the person I could be if left to my own demise. This time with my family is precious, its like sand paper..its smoothing out my rough edges. I think I have put the wrong things up on a pedestal. I thought I was ready for "being on my own", but now its more than about being ready. I don't want to leave, because of the reasons I said before, but also because I still need my family. I want to be here, but I also need to be here. I am not weak for living with my family or wanting to be here.My parents have raised me to be strong and have taught me real independence, the kind that lives for other people and puts them first. The kind that can live and function with other people and your world isn't turned upside down if what you want doesn't happen. I have learned that the world's version of independence is actually deceiving, it fools you into thinking you don't need other people. As for me, I need my family. And I am happy to need them, thats not something I want to change in the name of "being able to make it by myself".