Why is it so hard to let go? I have held on to someone for no other reason except the hope that it might work someday. God has flat out told me that this guy is not the one for me, and I knew that already. But I talked myself into thinking that there was still a possibility with him. Why? I don't even like him all that much....I mean, I like him as a person, sort of, but he has a lot of growing up in God to do. For his own sake, he needs to grow close to God and work on some things in his life. And I need to stay out of the picture, instead of selfishly interjecting myself in between him and God. But as far as personality and character, he is not my ideal man. We both liked each other at some point, I have no idea how he feels about me now. That has a lot to do with it. I want to seek him out and determine how he feels about me so I can decide whether I can move on or not, instead of just obeying God regardless of how this guy feels about me. I have somehow made obedience to God an option. So messed up!
I have to cut myself some slack, though. And realize a lot of my tendencies to hold on to this guy has to do with my human nature, how I was created to be. I am a woman, I want to marry, be loyal to one man, be settled and have kids. Thats a really simple way of putting it, but I truly believe thats how, as a woman, I was created with a simple and purposeful nature. Its hilarious! I go to the mall, and I without thinking, check out guys. I don't check them out in a physical sense....its more of a mental/tribal thing. I am woman. Seeking Man. Must Marry. Must make offspring. It's embarrassing but true. Talking to my childhood friends, we all thought the same thing about guys. There wasn't a single guy we come in contact with that we don't evaluate to see if he's "the one". If they deny it, they are lying! Its our nature, guys check us out to see what we look like, we check out guys to see if they are marriage material. We wouldn't want that shoe salesman at the mall to slip out of our grasp if he happens to be the one! Ha!
So, that being said, I think I held on to this guy because I would rather hold on to the very very slim prospect that he and I could work, then let him go and have no prospects at all. Its very hard to have no possible guys on the line at all. To be single with no idea of when that will change, mean while the "meet man, marry man, make children" anthem is still screaming on the inside. Oh well, what am I to do? Make something work with a guy who isn't the one? Or put my ipod buds in my ears to silence the marriage screams in my head, and get my nose in the Bible and wait it out? I should let go and let God bring me the man of my dreams. I need to acknowledge my womanly tendencies, but realize that they are only good in God's timing.
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